Monday, January 12, 2009

The planning stage

It's a tenuous time to be me...the planning stage has begun again. So many people think suicide is an impulsive act in response to overwhelming emotional pain, that no thought whatsoever goes into when or how or any of the other details. However, for most of us, it is a well thought out, organized and timed action and the logistics of planning your own demise are not simple. Even if you've tried before and failed, it's not as easy as making a few minor adjustments to insure lethality this time.

Each event must be planned out in full, from start to finish, because life is ever changing. People move in and out of our lives, and often times there are a few different people in your life that you need to take into consideration that weren't there before. Having attempted in the past, there are typically more people scrutinizing your actions that you must maneuver around. A method must be chosen.

As far as method, I like to research. I do still have about 30-40 MAOI pills left, as well as a large quantity of Valium and plenty of Seroquel & Buspar. Recently added to the mix is the narcotic pain killer, Norco. Is that enough for an overdose? Who knows, but the MAOI mixed with the others is probably enough to be fatal. It's just a matter of researching online to see if that is a deadly mix. I may end up choosing something completely different.

There is no timetable laid out yet. No definitive plan of action. As I said, this is just the planning stage. But hopefully as those around me continue to offer congratulations on having made it a whole year without being hospitalized, they remain too distracted to realize what is hiding just below the surface.


Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

Although I'm just a stranger I sincerely care about what happens to you. I don't want to say anything trite or cliche' at a time like this yet my mind is scrambling for the words to articulate what it is I want to say. If you need anyone to talk to or a shoulder to lean on I'm here. Feel free to e-mail me. I'd even call you if you'd like. Please try to hang in there, even if you have to struggle through each second until you get past this.

7:01 PM, January 12, 2009  
Blogger Maggs said...

Well, gotta say I'm concerned.
I know you're unhappy, but what would this do to your daughter? Who would care for her?

No matter how down I get, I think of my daughter, and how it would hurt her.

10:49 PM, January 12, 2009  

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