Not to worry

My sorry worthless piece of shit ass will probably be hauled off to the hospital before I ever get everything all planned out, whether I want to go or not. My therapist is somewhat aware of my current condition, though she does not know the full extent of how obsessive the suicidal thoughts have become. I have not seen her since before Christmas, but the last several times I did see her, she was on my case, questioning me constantly about my ability to keep myself safe.

Unfortunately, in the state of Illinois, they changed the law last summer regarding involuntary admissions for those with mental illness to make it easier to force someone into the hospital or other treatment. I no longer need to make a declaration of a plan or desire to kill myself in order to be involuntarily admitted to the hospital. If my therapist or psychiatrist even think that I might be a danger to myself, they can present any current information they have as well as my past history. In my case, my past history alone, which clearly shows that I have tried to kill myself even when I assured others I would keep myself safe, would be enough to have me locked up in a heartbeat.

There are obligations, too many obligations, for me to even consider a timetable at this point, which is why the planning has begun with method this time around. Can I keep my mouth shut though, that's the question. A force overtakes me sometimes and I say things that I never meant to say. As if my thoughts have taken on a life of their own and out of fear, they blurt themselves out.

Last night, I read the post I made last July, when my daughter's grandfather past away. The one in which I wrote...

I keep seeing the look on my daughter's face immediately after I told her that her grandpa had passed away. The haunting vision is always followed by the thought "if you think this is bad, imagine what her expression would be if she found out YOU were dead". That thought alone should torment me to the point where I permanently remove the word suicide from my lexicon, but I doubt it will and I shared my fears about that with my therapist.

I've also been spending as much time with her as possible, hoping to sway my thoughts to think of her, to get out of my head. Nothing is working to dislodge the desire to die. I'm truly a failure at being a human being. How does someone fail at the most basic of things which should just come naturally...as a human?