Probably should tell him
As I turned the page on my calendar to February, I noticed that I have an appointment to see my p-doc on Thursday. When he asks "so, how have things been going since we last met (whenever the hell that was...October or November is my guess)", here's the list of things I probably should tell him....
- I'm suicidal and currently researching ways to die, but it's okay cuz my therapist is aware that I'd love to kill myself but can't right now because of all these obligations I've gotten myself into.
- I'm NOT hallucinating, dreaming or seeing things....evil is stalking me in the night and I'm scare shitless to go to sleep.
- I'm down to just the one dose of 30 mgs of Buspar at night. I told you last time I'd stopped taking the other 30 mgs in the morning because it was making me incredibly sick. You told me to take 15 mgs instead. Guess what? Even the 15 mgs is making me feel sick as all hell, despite taking it with food, and I can't function after taking it because I have to go lay down in bed so I don't puke.
- I'm spending more than 14 hours a day in bed because it's easier to face the wall than face the fact that I'm alive.
- I've been self injuring in at least one unconventional way, and I've also been depriving myself of food. But don't worry, both are okay cuz I'm a disgusting fat pig that could stand to shed at least 75 lbs and I really should have shaved anyway.
- I think daily about cutting this worthless piece of metal out of my chest and have come really close a few times to actually doing so.
- I hate going to therapy because I think it just makes me feel worse. But since I'm insane, I have to go because that's how insane people become sane again right?
What I'll probably end up saying is that I'm depressed as all hell, I'm losing my mind even more (if that's even possible), I can't take the 15 mgs of Buspar in the morning and if you would please just write me my script I'll be on my way so you can meet with the patients that you're actually able to offer some help to. Thank you and have a nice day.
2 Comments:
I hope you have a good appointment with your pdoc. Hopefully there's something they can do to help you. I took Buspar a long time ago and didn't find that it helped.
Print out the blog and carry it with you. Easier than trying to remember or talk. Hopefully the man can read. I hope he can find something that helps more than the Buspar too.
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