Nothing but contempt

"I'm sorry, it's all these difficult admissions I'm dealing with today."

By the flippant way he said it, with a touch of aggravation, I think he forgot he was speaking to one of his patients and not one of his colleagues. Gee, I'm sorry that you're a psychiatrist dealing with mentally ill patients that sometimes need to be admitted to the hospital. How awful that must be to actually be expected to do the full spectrum of duties your job requires of you, instead of just sitting in your cozy office, behind your fancy desk, handing out prescriptions to as many people as you can cram into your 4 or 5 hour work day before you head back to your million dollar home for the evening.

You'll get no sympathy from me. In fact, now that I see his true colors, I have nothing but contempt for the man. His line about how he's not going to give up on me even if I want to give up on myself...just a bunch of phony rhetoric. He doesn't actually care about his patients. All he cares about is doping them all up on as many drugs as he can so they stay alive and foot the bill for his lavish lifestyle.

As for me, he's still trying to pawn me off on someone else and today, after his comment as he entered the room about his "difficult" patients, I gladly agreed to being passed along. I agreed despite knowing that the guy he's pawning me off on is the master guinea pig collector. His sub-specialty is Clinical Research and that's why I'm being pawned off on him....to possibly be a guinea pig in one of his research studies.

My current pdoc refused to tell me which study or what drug, and the website for the hospital only gives vague information, such as what illnesses the studies revolve around and what age groups they're looking for. He said he'd try to get the information to my therapist so she could give it to me. In other words, that's code for "let's see if this bitch is telling the truth about still seeing her therapist". I see no other reason why he wouldn't just gather the information and give it directly to me.

In researching the doctor he's pawning me off on, I've learned the nature of one study he's currently working on..."A Study of Mifepristone vs. Placebo in the Treatment of Patients With Major Depression With Psychotic Features". I sure as hell hope this isn't the drug my pdoc was hoping to get me on. Mifepristone is more commonly known by another name...RU-486. I kid you not, it's the abortion pill. If anyone thinks I'd take an abortion pill in hopes it'll alleviate my psychotic depression, they're fucking crazier than I am.

Who comes up with the idea to even study how an abortion pill would help someone with depression??? How do they convince others to fund such a study? I'd like to meet these suckers cuz I have a few studies of my own I'd like to have funded.

In trying to match the list of clinical trials on the hospital's website against the trials listed on clinicaltrials.gov, I found another which might be the drug my pdoc was thinking about. That study..."AZD6765 Severe Major Depressive Disorder" is for a drug currently under development by AztraZeneca, but I would be excluded from that cuz I have a lifetime history of failure to ECT therapy and according to my pdoc I have Bipolar, which also excludes me.

I think he was just looking for a polite way to get rid of me instead of outright saying there's not a damn thing he or anyone else can do to treat my suicidal depression and homicidal rage. I'm not surprised he's giving up on me, I'm just surprised it took him so long.