Saturday, February 07, 2009


Started drinking at about 4 pm yesterday and finally stopped at about midnight. I was downing Norco and Valium with the alcohol. Since I hadn't eaten at all the last two days, the first dose of Norco hit me hard, but it was a feeling I truly enjoyed. The Valium had no noticeable effect.

I never got drunk though. It's been 40 minutes since my last drink and other than the empty bottles sitting beside me, there is no evidence I even consumed any alcohol at all. I could probably pass a field sobriety test with the same ease as someone that's never had a drink in their life.

It's such a waste that it takes so much for me to get drunk. I have to binge and binge to even feel slightly buzzed. Why do I have to be one of the freaks of nature that has a naturally high tolerance for liquor? Both my sisters can get buzzed off a single wine cooler and there isn't even that much alcohol in them. I don't drink any more often then either of them, so why can't I be a lightweight too?

When I wake later today, I'll head to the drug store to not only get a refill on the Norco, but also to stock up on beer and wine. I still have half a bottle of Jack and about the same amount of Bacardi, though I'm not a big fan of Bacardi.

I'm sure if my therapist and pdoc knew about the drinking, I'd get chastised. But I just keep thinking about what my previous therapist said. I'm not hurting anyone else, and if this is what I need to cope, then go for it. At least it temporarily drives the suicidal urges out of sight. It makes me forget about the rage and the fact that I desperately need to cry but can't.


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