Saturday, March 21, 2009

Completely uncomfortable

The second day I was inpatient, I sat down for a meeting with my pdoc and the case worker that had been assigned to me. My pdoc started things off by briefly explaining to the case worker my history with him and the many inpatient stays I've had. During this conversation he said that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. It was shocking for me to hear him say that because those words had never crossed his lips before. He always told me I had Bipolar II or Severe Recurrent Depression. He then continued with "it won't be long before she makes a very serious suicide attempt".

Does he not remember September of 2005 when I swallowed all those pills? When my mother found me and rushed me to the hospital. I only have my blog posts and journal entries from in the hospital to remind me of the event and what led up to it, but I'm pretty sure I wasn't just popping all those pills for the heck of it. I may have lost touch with reality at the time, but the outcome I'm sure I was looking for was death. Does he think it wasn't a "serious" attempt because I didn't end up on life support?

I don't know why I keep thinking about this. It plays over and over in my mind. I sometimes wonder if he was trying to use reverse psychology or if he was testing me in some way. Maybe by making the statement that he expects me to make a serious suicide attempt, he's expecting me to try and prove him wrong by never doing such a thing. My perception of his words is that there is an air of manipulation behind them.

I'm still feeling what seems like a bit of mania to me, but haven't acted on the urge to rip apart my closet, dresser, desk, the hutch that holds all our bathroom/personal care items (towels, lotions, make-up, etc.) and reorganize everything. I'm able to sleep, but I'm not getting as much as I need. Maybe this is what "normal" feels like it. Maybe I've just been so depressed for so long that I can no longer identify where the line is between being productive and being manic.

What I'm feeling right now is completely uncomfortable, but yet at the same time, I want to take advantage of the extra energy to reorganize everything. I'm just not sure if that would be a healthy move or if it would trigger a compulsion to reorganize the entire friggan house....even the old people's stuff.


Anonymous Barb said...

I know what you mean. I've been depressed for so long it's hard to recognize my baseline anymore. When I begin to feel better and have energy, I tend to overdo it because I'm so ready to be DONE with depression. But when I take advantage of that extra energy, I end up crashing. You know -- 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

Even now, I'm wary about feeling better, even if it's the Abilify helping. Two steps forward and 1 back has happened too often, you know? Part of me's waiting for that crash.

I'm sorry I missed you the other day. We'll catch up.

9:12 AM, March 22, 2009  
Blogger tracy said...

Wow. First, it's absolutely amazing your psychiatrist would visit you in hospital (!)....they never do that get whom ever you are assigned to...

Second Why would he treat you like he did? So very strange. i am sorry.

8:58 AM, March 25, 2009  

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