Saturday, February 28, 2009

Better off

My daughter's been spending more and more time at her boyfriend's house lately. Can't say I blame her, but it's really doing a number on my brain. It's not even about the time she's spending with her boyfriend, it's the time she's spending with his mom that's bothering me.

The woman does nails, so she recently gave my daughter fake nails. She knows someone that owns a dress business, so they've been looking at prom dresses together. Today she helped curl my daughter's hair for her show. I know she adores my daughter and often wonders what my kiddie sees in her son (sometimes I think she's just kidding, but other times I think she might be serious). She's closer to my daughter than I am to her son.

I know I only have myself to blame for the amount of time she's spending with them lately, but I'm starting to feel like I could easily be replaced. I'm starting to do exactly what my "safety plan" warns me about..."trying to convince myself the info on the other side is false"...all the reasons why my daughter is not better off without me. But seeing how she interacts with her boyfriend's mom, I wonder if maybe she would be. She knows I'm not doing well and for her own sanity, she's spending as much time away from me as possible. Maybe it'd be better for her sanity if she never spent time with me again since I usually seem to be struggling with something.

I often think that I had nothing to do with how she's turned out so far, that it's just who she is, who she was born to be. What if I'm right and that's really true? What purpose do I serve?

3 Comments:

Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

Regardless of how much time your daughter is spending with her boyfriend's mother, you're still the most important person in her life. If something happened to you the impact this would have on her would be more than profound.

6:38 AM, March 01, 2009  
Blogger Janes Insane said...

Gosh, I could've written this myself. Do you also count people off & think when you get to zero you'll be justified in killing yourself? I do that. My # is always 4, now there is a #5 ~ a new niece, well... she's 10. But I always think if I believe all 5 hate me at the same time, then maybe...
As screwed up as we are, we've got to give our selves a little bit of credit. Your daughter is probably very resilient, she's also probably empathetic & has a good sense of humor. Any of those?
Read my lips: You CANNOT be replaced by ANYBODY. Your daughter needs you & loves you unconditionally. Unconditional love is something I still haven't figured out.

12:02 AM, March 02, 2009  
Blogger tracy said...

Geeze, this sounds sooo familiar...i often think on the times i have been in hospital and my husband n e v e r hesitates to tell me how well our son is doing...in my absence...makes me feel soooo "necessary". These comments continue after i am home and my son even said once "you weren't gone long enough." Swell, it's a wonder i choose to still be around. But i do know one thing for certian. YOU, my dear are not replaceable. Believe it from someone who knows replaceability. i apologize for writing all about me. i am selfish as well as self centered.

9:39 AM, March 04, 2009  

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