Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Things haven't been going well since I left the hospital. I've had two breakdowns so far where I just cried and cried. There were precipitating factors for both, but this is not what I wanted to encounter once I left the safety of the hospital. I almost feel like I should go back. I thought getting away from my daily life and getting somewhat stable on different meds would help put me back in control, but that hasn't happened. I still feel like I'm unraveling.

Found out Sunday that our trip to South Carolina has to be postponed because my daughter's grandma needs to fly up to Ohio and care for her ailing aunt, her only remaining blood relative. She has no idea how long she'll be gone, so she said it was best for us not to come next week. Luckily I didn't book the hotel room I was going to for the trip down there, or make any other reservations, so I'm not going to lose any money. We're going to try to reschedule the trip for June, after the kiddie gets out of school.

Today I'm questioning reality because I have some very vivid memories that seem real, but logic tells me they can't possibly have happened. One involves having talked to my ex and finding out that he's gainfully employed and making lots of money. I told him I was ready to get the divorce but despite having money, he was still refusing to pay anything. The other involves having talked to a woman I met in the hospital about how she's doing now that she's out and when we can get together so I can help give her advice on filling out her disability papers.

The memory of these conversations seem so authentic, but I'm pretty sure they never occurred...yet there is some lingering doubt as to what the truth really is. I don't know my ex's phone number, don't even know where he's living at the moment, so that should be proof enough I didn't talk to him. I'm also not sure if the woman from the hospital has been released yet and she only gave me her email address, so that should also be proof that I didn't speak to her. But yet my mind is telling me both conversations took place yesterday. I don't know if this is a strange side effect of the meds or merely more delusions in my mind.

Everything seems so confusing, so overwhelming. I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions and none of them feel comfortable. I'm trying to remain calm and only taking on one or two projects a day. But instead of feeling slightly peaceful, I feel like I'm running in place as the world whizzes past me, trying to grab me and pull me into a hectic schedule I'm ill prepared to take on right now.


Blogger Janes Insane said...

follow your gut instinct & if you know you should be back in the hospital, then by all means, go back to the hospital. there is nothing wrong with that!

5:04 PM, March 17, 2009  
Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

It's been a long time but I recall having the same problem as you in regards to the conversations that may or may not have taken place. For me it was always, "Did I dream this or did it really happen?"

7:33 AM, March 18, 2009  
Blogger tracy said...

Those "did they or did they not happen" things are soooo disturbing, i hate it! Do you think all the crazy meds changing they do on us, especially in the surreal world of the hospital, have anything to do with it??
My hospital life sucked, but if it weren't for my son needing me, i think i would pack up a few books and...because life here at home with husband is hell...

i'm so sorry things aren't better since you got home...wish i could find something comforting to say. Hang in there, girl.

8:18 AM, March 18, 2009  

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