Strange rationalization

Another day buzzed. It's to the point now where I want to drink more than one bottle of wine a night. One (depending on the brand) gets me buzzed, but not drunk. I want to be drunk. I'd love to pass out cold, forget what happened the night before, but that hasn't happened since I was about 17.

I don't know why I want to drink so much. I'm usually the only one impacted by it. Occasionally my daughter will notice that I drank an entire bottle of wine in a night, but I don't think she sees that I do it every night lately...at least I hope she doesn't. Tonight she asked me if I had a bladder problem cuz I had to interrupt her twice to go to the bathroom. I went along with it. It was easier than telling her "mommy's a little on the drunk side".

I'm not even sure I have a problem. I feel like I'm forcing myself to do this, a form of self injury that won't leave the scars that cover my arms from my shoulders down to just above my elbows. There's little urgency to drink. I just do it cuz I can. Now that the bottle of wine is gone, I'm drinking Gatorade to rehydrate myself, while taking my night time meds.

Never heard back from anyone about the partial hospitalization program. I had a feeling I wouldn't. My guess is that either they won't accept me because it wasn't a part of my aftercare plans that took effect immediately after being released from the hospital or some of the staff know me and refuse to work with me.

Tomorrow while my daughter's at her boyfriend's house, I plan to drive out to the liquor store and stock up on wine. I figure it'll be cheaper to buy a bunch than to keep going every couple of days. Going to the hardware store and buying razor blades seems like a much cheaper option. But I keep thinking about being in the hospital. They're less likely to put me in the self-injury ward if my problem is alcoholism. Strange rationalization, I know, but that's how my mind works.