Sunday, March 29, 2009

For the most part

Yesterday was a good day, for the most part. The kiddie, her boyfriend and I went downtown to go shopping. Our goal was to find a mask, shoes and possibly some earrings and/or a bracelet for her prom. We did manage to find the mask and shoes. The mask is purple and silver, which will match her dress perfectly. The silver shoes we bought were from Aldo, the store we bought a silver clutch purse from last year and the two match perfectly as well. They're the exact same shade of silver and even have the same texture.

I also managed to find a birthday gift for my niece since her party is next Saturday. We also stopped at the Apple store and I bought a case for the Classic iPod I bought this past Tuesday and a power adapter for my daughter's iPod Touch that she got last month. When we walked out of the Apple store, it had already begun to rain, so we had to walk about 10 blocks to get back to our car.

When we got home and I balanced my checkbook I almost had a heart attack. With all the spending I've done this month, I only had $9 left in my checking account. Thankfully we didn't spend any more than we had yesterday, that it had started to rain and we couldn't continue on up the block with the possibility to spend more money or I'd have been really screwed.

I've never been so close to overdrawing my checking account. My ex used to overdraw our joint account all the time with his out of control spending. This is the first time I've even come close and it scared me. I keep a rather large reserve of cash hidden in the house, so I'm not broke. If I actually only had $9 to my name, I'd probably have hurt myself for being so damn stupid to spend what I did.

I'm down to my last bottle of wine, which is currently chilling in the fridge. Won't be able to drink after today. I start the day program at the hospital tomorrow and I'll have to be up, showered and awake during the day, something I'm completely not ready for. I'm used to waking up to drive the kiddie to school, coming home and going back to sleep until noon or later.

The stress is already building over the fact that I committed myself to doing this program. I keep trying to assure myself that it'll be good for me, but the other selves keep telling me I was a fool to agree to do it. They keep screaming at me that I'm a fucking idiot. Keep asking how am I going to do this during the day and still be awake enough afterwards to gather the info I need for our NAMI board meeting. Asking how will I have the energy to get the papers finished and filed for the divorce.

They also keep reminding me that while I will not be in that hospital as an inpatient, I will still be behind a locked door and any wrong statement, an insinuation that I'm having thoughts of harming myself, will immediately get me sent upstairs to the inpatient ward.


Blogger anna♥ said...

Your strength is inspiring my friend.

Hang in there.

6:51 PM, March 29, 2009  
Blogger Barb said...

Sid, I am SO glad to hear that you had an enjoyable day with your daughter. Sure, you may have spent more than you expected, but like you said, you're not completely broke. Her prom outfit sounds terrific!

I'm also happy that you're going to PHP. And because it's PHP, it doesn't matter if you shower! Who gives a shit what the people there will think? Depressed folk have problems showering every day, and since you're depressed that's why you're going to PHP in the first place and that means you can just throw on some clothes and show up. That's the most important thing--showing up.

I hope today's going well for you.

2:09 PM, March 30, 2009  

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