Friday, March 27, 2009

She deserves more

My "winning" streak of not cutting ended just now. It's been about six months since I last took a blade to my skin, but I was no longer able to resist the urge, not after what happened earlier today with my therapist, not with what happened earlier this week with the near overdose. Since I drank heavily and took several Valium, I cut deeper than I usually do, cut more times than I usually do. The blood has steadily been running down my arms for the last 20 minutes. I've soaked at least a dozen tissues, as well as a couple of paper towels.

I can't stop the bleeding and I'm not sure I want to. Unfortunately I haven't cut anywhere that will cause me to bleed to death. I will just be left with more ugly scars on my arms. Fresh wounds to remind myself that I'm still living a life I don't want to be. Reminders of the diseases that have taken up residence in my brain.

Today has consisted of crying, of drinking, of taking too many pills and cutting. The only thing I haven't done is died, in the literal sense. I definitely feel dead inside. There was no pain in the cutting. No feeling drunk from the bottle of wine I consumed. No feeling anything. Numbness has consumed my soul. I don't feel dead and I don't feel alive, I just don't feel at all. I'm just a shell of the person I once thought I was.

Tomorrow I put on the mask and pretend everything is okay. I do not intend to ruin my daughter's final two days on Spring Break. I'm going to try my damnedest to show her a good time. To make her feel loved. To let her know just how special a person she is. She deserves that and so much more. So much more than I feel I can ever give her.


Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

It's heart breaking to see you go through so much pain. I wish there was some way for you to feel better.Thankfully you have your daughter to give some focus to.

7:57 AM, March 28, 2009  
Blogger tracy said...

i am so worried about you...i know how dangerous the combo of a blade and too much alcohol can be. That was a terrible way for your therapist to tell you she is leaving, with no warning at wonder you are devastated. i am so very sorry for the horrible pain you are experiencing. Perhaps try a guy therapist this time? i have found them sooo much more reliable and compassionate.
Please, please, try to be kinder to yourself. It's hard, i know.

10:41 AM, March 28, 2009  
Blogger Janes Insane said...

Sid, We've known each other for a number of years now. I care about you & I know you care about me. Right now I'm faced with a dilemna. Dare I speak out or do I just sit by the sidelines as you tinker with life & death. The answer for me is this: As I'm not a professional in the field of psychology, I'm going to withhold my "opinion", but as a concerned reader I would never forgive myself if I said nothing & you ended up dead. Know that my intentions are good & I want you to be at peace with you.
PLEASE GET PROFESSIONAL HELP IMMEDIATELY. Be 100% honest with whoever your doctor. Listen to what they say & follow what they say. But mostly, BE HONEST with them. No matter how disgusting, embarrassing or whatever... you have got to be honest & put all your cards on the table so they can help you. One time I had my therapist turn his chair around so he wasn't facing me when I told him something about my past; it worked. I got it out and the earth didn't end.

You may not want to live, but I don't believe you want to kill yourself. And I know you certainly don't want to throw all the baggage that comes with a parent who has killed herself, on your daughter. That is a life sentence that she would NEVER escape.

My huge concern is you're throwing alcohol in the mix & that really ups the chance of an accidental overdose. Yesterday, out of concern, I read your older posts & this has been going on for years (I'm not judging you, I've done the same thing. I'm also BPD, so I "get you" more than you realize). But one day you're going to take 1 too many pills to mix w/the alcohol, or vice versa. I'm pretty sure when you take pills you know how many "won't" kill you, but that all changes with alcohol because our decisions are no longer reasonable, plus as I'm sure you know, alcohol increases the depression.

Go to the hospital, STAY in the hospital, fuck the vacation. The best gift you can give your daughter is YOU. I bet if you ask her which she'd rather have, a trip to South Carolina or a healthy mom, she'd pick the latter.
You have 100% of the power here, not only in your life, but in your daughter's future. I hope you'll think about it.

Okay so I realize you may think I've gone beyond a reader's limits, but if it helps you, I don't care what anyone thinks.

9:17 PM, March 28, 2009  
Blogger tracy said...

Thanks, Jane. G-d, i hope Sid is okay...

10:42 AM, March 29, 2009  
Blogger Barb said...

I agree with Jane. Besides taking a look at things from your daughter's point of view, try--and I know this can be hard--looking at it from the therapist's point of view. Sid, I'm not turning against you. I hope you'll take what I say to heart.

I'm not defending your therapist nor saying that what she did was right. However, I had a similar experience in 2008 with the therapist I've had since 1995. She cut her hours to pursue a different line of counseling, and so, couldn't see me as often as I felt I needed. Some of my BPD symptoms came out: I was angry, felt utterly betrayed, and totally abandoned. How could she? How dare she? Especially after all those years of working together?

Then I took a step back (something I still work on) and realized that she's a human being just like me. If she wants to switch careers, that's her prerogative. Her right. If I want to switch therapists, that's my prerogative. My right.

Yes, I had a bit of warning, but again, take a step back and think of other reasons that your therapist is taking another position so quickly. It could be that her office building is being torn down to build condos that end up being empty lots for years (which you know happens often), for example. Or is going into foreclosure or something else. The landlord may have told the tenants they need to be out by a certain date and your therapist had to scramble to find work elsewhere.

Like the situation with my former therapist, this has nothing to do with you personally. You are not the only one this affects; it's affecting all of her clients. And probably herself, her former employer, others.

Sid, you have to remember that these situations aren't all about you. It was hard to get to that point but when I did, I moved on, found someone else.

I'm sorry you ended up cutting, but it happens. You can still give yourself credit for not cutting for six months. No one can take that away from you. Although you cut recently, it's now in the past, so start moving forward and do something to improve your quality of life, and your daughter's.

It isn't easy and of course there'll be bumps along the way, but everyone hits obstacles; we don't really know what's going on in others' seemingly perfect lives. They just choose not to show it. Or they're in denial, which you are not. Please, Sid. Get the help you know you need.

1:33 PM, March 29, 2009  
Blogger anna‚ô• said...

I can so relate to how much you love your daughter and how much you DON'T love yourself. That's where I am at these days too.

Hang in there Sid. I love ya.

6:50 PM, March 29, 2009  

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