Waiting and watching

Met with my case manager today. She wanted to check in and see how I'm doing. Am I learning anything that's been helpful, am I making progress on the issues I felt I needed to address, etc. I told her it was too soon to tell on most things. The only place I've seen improvement is with my becoming a little more comfortable in the groups (CD ones excluded).

As our conversation is wrapping up, she asks me to sign two pages in my chart. I sign the first one and turn the page. Before my brain can even digest what exactly it is I'm looking at, she quickly turns it to the next one I'm supposed to sign. It was one of those "oh shit, she's not supposed to see that" moments, where you can tell the other person is mentally kicking their own ass for having revealed something that was meant to be kept secret and is praying you did not see what you just did.

In between the two pages I had to sign is an involuntary admit form....already filled out and waiting to be utilized. I'm not quite sure what to make of that. Had it not been for my case manager's reaction to my seeing it, I might have just thought that there was one in everybody's chart, as a precaution. But after seeing her response, I'm now worried that they don't think the outpatient program is enough for me. I'm scared they are simply just waiting and watching my every move for that one word, that one gesture, that gives them the ammunition they need to lock me up against my will.

I thought it was odd that the pdoc I'm seeing while in the program keeps asking so often "can you keep yourself safe?". Yesterday she asked me that about 6 times in less than 10 minutes. Did the same thing today too. Each time I just kind of dismissed it as maybe she's just asking because she doesn't know me. At least now I know to closely monitor what I say and what I do, because if they are keeping a close watch, then I need to be ever vigilant. I don't need to be inpatient again. I'm not in need of that level of care right now.

Anyway, it's a moot point, at least for tomorrow. My mind and anxieties need to stay focused on the divorce.