Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Bullshit detector

Call it woman's intuition, my sixth sense or just a spectacular bullshit detector, but I know when I'm being lied to. I'm not perfect, but if I had to guess, I'd say I can tell a lie from the truth about 95% of the time.

Yesterday, my pdoc asked if I'd be willing to attend one of the chemical dependency groups on Thursday, one on relapse prevention. He said there were a couple of groups in that program he'd like me to attend, but that I should just try this one and see how it goes. I agreed, but I knew information was being withheld by him and/or my case worker. It wasn't as simple as just going to this one group, there were conditions behind the request that they were deliberately not telling me.

As a result, it was no surprise when my case worker called me out of group late this afternoon. "Dr. T wasn't entirely correct when he said you could just attend the relapse prevention group on Thursday. You would also be required to attend the process group that follows it." According to her, Medicare requires that I attend one process group per day. In the regular adult program, that's at 9 am. In the chemical dependency group, it's not until 10:30 am. I'm most certainly not their first patient with Medicare, so clearly they had to have known of this requirement when they first talked to me, so why not mention it then? Why lie and withhold that information?

I'll tell you why, because they seem intent on forcing their own agenda upon me without allowing me to contribute to my own treatment plan. As if, because I'm mentally ill, I can't possibly know what is the best course of action, can't possibly make an informed decision on what course of treatment I would most benefit from.

For some reason they insist on backing me into a corner and saying "you're an alcoholic, do as we say or get the fuck out of here". I've tried to advocate for myself by explaining why I don't need any further alcohol related interventions other than the Antabuse and possibly going to AA, but they are refusing to listen to me. "Those are only part of the equation" is the response I got. How is there even an equation when there is no problem to be solved in the first place?

For me it's an either/or choice. Either I do the groups they are insisting I do on Monday and Thursday or I do the Antabuse and AA. I'm not willing to do both. Again, I admit that I could probably learn a thing or two about alcohol, which I would not be opposed to, but I am not an alcoholic; and it does nothing but piss me off that they keep treating me as if I am. There is no compulsion or urge to drink, there are never any withdrawal symptoms when I stop drinking, there is no needing more to drink to get just as drunk as when I first started, there is no mental obsession about when I can have my next drink, etc.

Temporary abuse of a substance does not equate to a full fledged problem. Just because you come down with a cold does not mean it will develop into pneumonia.


Anonymous janes insane said...

Perhaps this is the only way your Pdoc knew they could get you to attend, and maybe he & the staff are trying to save your life. Just maybe.

You put a LOT of energy into saying you're not an alcoholic. I think you know you are. If you don't, let me tell you, you are. You're a binge drinker, I was one, too, so it's quite simple to recognize.

I realize my comment may make you mad, but at least consider what I'm saying. Maybe you could try not fighting "them" (my quotations, not yours) and accept their guidance as being genuine.

Let your rage/anger/hurt/pain/emotions out in these groups. I'm sure you feel alone, but I imagine many others there will relate with you.

I'd usually read this & say nothing, but I thought that if you were my friend & wrote a comment like this, risking our friendship, I'd realize you gave a damn about me. Some of the most helpful comments I've ever gotten have been the ones that stung when I read them.

It certainly can't hurt to try, can it? And I mean TRY, nothing half-ass expecting it to fail, give it 110%. Do it for YOU.

4:48 AM, April 16, 2009  
Anonymous janes insane said...

If you haven't checked out Twitter yet, you may want to sign up. There are lots of people on there with BPD and bipolar disorder; nice to just chat w/others.

12:16 AM, April 18, 2009  

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