Friday, April 24, 2009

Contributed nothing

The black cloud of depression is engulfing me again...not that it ever truly lifted to the point where I could actually breathe freely. There's a heavy nothingness inside, leaving me completely void of all emotion. Blank. Cold. Lifeless. Words you'd use to describe a corpse (or a sociopath's eyes), yet they so fittingly describe me right now.

I contributed nothing to the groups today. Didn't get anything out of them either. I knew when I woke up at 1 am that I should just call and say I wouldn't be attending, that I was too mentally ill to get out of bed, but my need to fulfill my commitment to the program trumped my need to shut the world out. People tried to engage me in conversations but I wanted no part of it. I isolated as best I could, not even bothering to eat lunch so I could keep my distance from everyone. At every opportunity I put the earphones in and listened to my iPod with my eyes shut.

The list of things that need to get done before next Friday continues to grow. Going through the prom process with my daughter makes me thankful that I didn't bother going to my own prom. All the work, all the money, none of it seems worth it for one night of dancing with your boyfriend and friends. And I get to do all this again next year for her senior prom. Thankfully they aren't going to the prom at his school.

On top of that, the list of things that need to get done regarding the divorce before our court date of May 28th also continues to grow. I seriously think I'm fucking things up, filling out paperwork wrong and such. I did find out that they have a help desk at the courthouse but it's an in-person type of thing, so I'll have to skip another day in the program to go there on a Monday or Wednesday and try to get some assistance before I screw things up beyond repair.

Wonder if I should just drop out of the program and switch back to individual therapy. I have a feeling they're not going to like that I missed a day this week, I have to miss next Friday because of prom and now I also have to miss a day the week after that to go to the court for help. Even when I think I'm doing the right things, I still seem to screw everything up. Fuck it all.


Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

one day at a time Sid, one day at a time. You did well to drag yourself out to the groups.

8:54 PM, April 24, 2009  
Blogger Janes Insane said...

Give yourself a break! You went to the group, that's a step in the right direction, a BIG step.

2:01 AM, April 28, 2009  

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