Saturday, April 25, 2009

Life lesson learned

The Antabuse should be all out of my system by now, not that I'm going to have a drink to find out for sure. One thing that I've learned from the events that played out over the last two months is that drinking while depressed is akin to playing Russian Roulette. I got lucky this time around and I know I have to take myself out of the game before my luck runs out.

I also know that it was never about the alcohol. It was about doing as much harm to myself in the shortest time possible while leaving no physical scars. That's why I took the Norco, the codeine laced cough syrup and/or the Valium each time I drank. The emotional pain was so deep that cutting was never going to reach it, but the alcohol and pills could. They could seep into every part of my body.

What I did to myself these last couple of months was foolish, I recognize that, but I know I need to let all that go and move on. I can't keep beating myself up about it or continue to allow others to beat me up over it. Life lesson learned the hard way, but I did learn and I'm going to give myself credit for that.

Anyway...there's a lot on the calendar between now and the end of school. I'm trying to keep my focus on getting through each day, one by one, and not looking at how busy I'll be. If I hone in on the latter, I know I'm going to start to feel overwhelmed. I've been trying to incorporate some healthy coping skills into my life, so when I find my mind wanting to ruminate about all that's coming up, I mentally remind myself that I'm just taking it day by day. It's hard, because I'm so used to letting my mind wander wherever it choses to, but I think I've done an okay job of keeping my thoughts on track. I'm not panicking yet, which is a good sign.

1 Comments:

Blogger Janes Insane said...

Forgiving ourselves can be the biggest obstacle when we come out of the fog. I'm glad you realize you need to forgive yourself. It's done, it's over. You're intentionally taking a turn for the better & while none of us will ever be perfect, you are CHOOSING to take 1 step in the right direction. That takes strength & determination & you've got it.

2:03 AM, April 28, 2009  

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