Friday, May 01, 2009

Crossing over

My baby just left on her way to her Junior Prom. She looks stunningly beautiful. Each time I looked at her I wondered how something so amazing came out of my womb. Her boyfriend's mom cried when my daughter walked up the stairs to the foyer and I feel like I should be in tears, but I can't cry.

I haven't been able to cry for what seems like an eternity, when in reality it was just a few nights ago. I woke up crying, consumed in a fog of sadness. I have no idea where it came from as I wasn't dreaming about anything sad when it happened. The sorrow lasted all day and I'm thankful that it didn't continue on into the next, nor did it overwhelm me and deepen my depression.

For once I got some good news. Wednesday afternoon I was told that my pdoc had authorized them to remove the CD groups from my treatment plan. What a HUGE relief it was to hear that. I was finally able to put down some of the anxiety I'd been carrying on my shoulders for the last couple of weeks and it helped my mood immensely.

Overall my mood is fluctuating. At times I feel borderline manic and the next I'm crossing over into depressive territory. I have yet to determine how the new medication regime they put me on in early April is working for me. It may have contributed to the improved mood I feel occasionally throughout the day, but it has also left me feeling flat under the surface. It's an odd feeling. It's like I can see the rays of happiness but I'm not able to feel their warmth.

Since my daughter will be gone until tomorrow night, I'm hoping to finally watch Atonement, a movie I've been trying to watch for the last two months. I've seen it before, but have not yet watched the dvd my daughter gave me for Christmas. I've been hoping to watch a lot of movies lately, since they are one of my shopping weaknesses and I have a ton of movies have never been opened.

Guess there's no time like the present...


Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

Congratulations on your good news.

7:10 AM, May 02, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

'It's an odd feeling. It's like I can see the rays of happiness but I'm not able to feel their warmth.'

I know exactly what you mean. It is odd. Very, and disconcerting when you do notice it. Like something that has been lurking in the back of the closet all this time and you knew it was there but then again, not so much.

Wow, that turned out more rambling than I'd intended.

Enjoy the movies :) Always a good plan, when you get the chance.

9:45 PM, May 02, 2009  

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