Saturday, May 02, 2009

Difficult to connect

I admit it, I'm a horrible blog friend. Of course those whose blogs I read regularly already know this. Rarely do I ever leave comments and trust me, it's not for a lack of wanting to. The right words never seem to come, which makes me feel inadequate and uncaring. I'm not giving back to those that are giving to me. So I apologize, I'm sorry.

My lack of response carries over into my daily life too, it's not just limited to blogland. As I listen to others talking in our process group, I find it difficult to connect in order to formulate an appropriate reply or words of advice. So I just sit there while my focus drifts to the floor and how annoying I find the pattern of the carpet tiles to be. Occasionally I tune back in to the conversation going on around me, but when I realize the topic is the same, I'm back to the carpet and wondering who the hell laid the tiles out in such a disturbing, unorganized fashion.

I've stared at many floors, walls, furniture, etc., in my lifetime. Mentally blasting people for their choice in fabrics and color schemes. Searching for organized patterns to follow or hidden designs that are only visible to me. It's become so second nature that there are many times when I'm not even aware that I've tuned out the world until someone says my name or touches me.

It's odd that I can so readily dissociate and go off into my own little world, but I have a hard time with imagination. When asked to picture something in my head, I'm rarely ever able to do it. Even when the objects are right in front of me, like my daughter asking if these shoes go with this pair of pants. Until she puts them on, I lack the ability to imagine what they would look like together.

Broken circuitry. No wonder my daughter is so afraid I'm going to develop Alzheimer's or dementia when I get older.


Blogger Janes Insane said...

I don't connect with others well, either. People think I do, but with the exception of a few, I "feel" connected with very few people. I feel like the freak & that everyone sees that, but I know rationally that's not the case...they don't know.
We judge others by how we see them behave, we just ourselves by how we feel inside. That's not really fair to ourselves.
We're all just getting by, day by day, 1 minute to the next.
Don't you think blogging has kind of opened a window of opportunity for you? Of the few people I really connect with, I've met them via blogging.
And 1 other thing (maybe I'm a blog vet to you? lol) People don't, at least shouldn't, visit you because you visit their blog or comment on theirs. Blogging should be guiltless & while I can tell you this, of course, I don't always believe this towards myself.
So, keep putting everything out there. We're never totally out of the dark, but there's definitely some light there.

3:47 AM, May 03, 2009  
Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. I go through periods of that myself. When I was taking CBT I often just sat there without words to contribute because I just couldn't formulate the thoughts needed to express an opinion. It seems I do a lot of that lately.

8:46 AM, May 03, 2009  
Blogger tracy said...

i keep telling myself how much i hate groups (haven't been in one in quite some time) and then when i do find myself in one, i end up being such a talker, i embarass myself. Why? i think it might be nervousness or maybe that i rarely have people around me that converse with me so when it does happen...(my son and husband are not talkers...).

12:34 PM, May 04, 2009  
Blogger Not Very Anonymous Mom said...

hi sid - long time, no comment. your mention of the "no imagination" really strikes a chord with me... rob is like that also. perhaps we've already talked about that once.
on another note, do you think your "disconnect" is boredom? it is for me. i'm pretty good at "half" listening tho, so i know what's going on if i get roped back in to the conversation. been doing it so long....
mad love for you sid!

8:46 AM, May 05, 2009  

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