Saturday, May 30, 2009

Trying to regroup

After the disastrous last couple of days I think I've finally calmed enough and I'm now desperately trying to regroup. At noon on Thursday, I ran out to the hardware store and stocked up on razor blades. A trip to the liquor store followed. Once I returned home, I proceeded to drown out my pain with alcohol and blood until about 4 am on Friday when I finally passed out cold. Fortunately my sister, who had accompanied me to the courthouse, volunteered to picked my daughter up from school since she knew I was in no state of mind to be driving...and she didn't even know about the drinking and cutting.

Friday was almost as crappy as Thursday because I had an appointment with my therapist. I became so upset and angry during our session that I eventually walked out on her in tears after about 20 minutes. It was apparent we weren't going to get anywhere and my only choice was to leave before I strangled the bitch. I didn't feel safe going home because I figured my T was going to call 911, so I decided to go on a shopping rampage instead. In order to avoid being tracked by credit card purchases in case the authorities were looking for me, I withdrew a shitload of cash from my account. Surprisingly, I only spent about half of what I withdrew.

I did manage to call the social worker on staff at our police department on Thursday, hoping she could provide some sort of legal referral. Unfortunately she could only point me to the agencies I've already tried to utilize but don't qualify for assistance from because I just miss their income cut off. I make about $500 too much in Social Security Disability, something everyone seems to find incredulous, as if I'm making it up. These were the same places my T was telling me I could get help from as well, which is why I became so enraged with her. I'd already told her they couldn't help me but she wouldn't listen.

At this point, even if I can figure out where to find help to figure out what the fuck the court still wants from me in terms of paperwork so I can get this fucking divorce, I haven't a clue when I could even schedule another court date. June is booked solid. Next week I meet with the gyne for more testing and to find out when I need to schedule my surgery in July. Whenever that date is, I'll be laid up for at least a week afterwards...and that's if nothing is cancerous.

A part of me keeps hoping they do find cancer, but I'm just not that lucky. So I have to screw my head back on straight and figure out where the hell to go from here.

I did send the stupid fuckhead a nasty email telling him we're still married and I didn't know when the divorce would ever be finalized since he's a fucking deadbeat piece of shit that isn't helping to pay for anything, nor is he willing to provide any assistance to help make sure things are getting done. He of course never responded back.

I just don't know what else the court fucking wants from me. I went to the help desk. I talked to the lawyer there and she assured me that everything I had was in order, and the two things I didn't have done I was able to complete before I showed up on Thursday, so I don't know why the judge says more still needs to be done. He couldn't even assure me that the two additional things he was asking for were the only two remaining things I'd need. This shouldn't be so fucking hard. It's not like anything is in dispute, or there is any property to split. There isn't even a question of child support. Everything is done. I just need the fucking judge to sign the fucking piece of paper saying I'm no longer fucking married to this fucking worthless piece of shit any more!


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