Monday, June 15, 2009

Holding me hostage

I feel like I need to give a name to the beast inside that's ravaging my brain. The one that keeps opening long closed doors to the past and letting horrific memories spew forth. The creature that keeps trying to persuade me to act on the frightfully disturbing actions it feels I should take, against myself and others. The thing that feeds off my resolve to get better, twisting it around and using it to somehow strengthen its own resolve to destroy me. The being that is holding me hostage in my own body.

Others have made attempts at naming it. Mental illness. Borderline Personality Disorder. Bipolar Disorder. Anxiety/Panic Disorder. Depression. Psychosis. None of those seems to acknowledge its parasitic nature though. They don't adequately explain the emotional hell this monster forces me to endure on a daily basis. Even I can't find words powerful enough to convey just how much I suffer.

I know it is this leech that is draining away my will to live. The one poisoning my brain yet deceitfully laying blame on the medications. Yet knowing and believing are two very different realms that I'm not capable of comprehending, at least not at the exact same time, which is what I must do in order to circumvent the distorted messages I'm receiving and find the truth. Time is running out.


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