A few fleeting moments

For the first time in over a year, I noticed the ceiling tiles in my T's office look like they've been stabbed repeatedly with a knife, which had a surprisingly calming effect on me the longer I stared at them. I say over a year despite having only seen her for less than a month because she inherited the office the last T had. My focus remained on those tiles for our entire session. I was too afraid to look down and catch a glimpse of my own body. The obsessive thoughts were concentrated on my weight today and I was very anxious, something the T noticed immediately. The few times I did look down, I made sure to close my eyes first.

I tried to explain that the sandals I was wearing weren't feeling right with the pants I had on and it was making me feel as if I weighed 1,000 lbs. Each time I caught sight of my thighs, I could swear each was the size of a baby elephant. I actually asked her if I could take the sandals off because they were bothering me that badly. From the outside it had to appear very bizarre, but I seriously couldn't handle the anxiety it was generating.

Instead of making me feel like a freak, she actually did fairly well in making me feel a little bit safe in her office. Even after I told her about the medications, her response wasn't one that I expected. She merely said that if I could maintain without being heavily medicated, she was all for it. She also didn't panic and become too focused on the comment that I made when she first asked how I was doing. I responded by telling her that it was a good thing I wasn't allowed to own a gun because I was so full of rage, that if I had one, I would be shooting random people on the street for being fucking idiots.

It was nice to talk to someone and not have them zero in all the negatives. She didn't chastise me for drinking, going off my meds or going on shopping rampages. Instead she praised me for the little positive things I did. Yes, I did spend a lot of money I don't have to be wasting, but I put some of it to good use in buying the supplies to vent some of my anger via art. Yes, I am drinking, but it's not a constant everyday thing. Yes, I did refuse the ex's help in taking the papers to the help desk at the court, but that's probably for the best. Yes, I have put the divorce stuff on hold, but it's only temporary so I can concentrate on the things I need to get finished before we leave for vacation.

At one point she did ask if I thought I needed more help, meaning should I be in the hospital. I said no, I'm too busy for that. I'm looking forward to vacation, to getting away from here and all the reminders of how much I suck at life. I know that I do have to return to all this and face it again, but for 10+ days, I have an escape.

She also offered to talk to my pdoc about how I'm doing and the things I told her today, but I said I'd prefer if she didn't. She said she would respect my choice and not talk to him behind my back. Do I trust her not to? Um...NO. Despite her reassurances that she wouldn't, I wouldn't put it past her to call anyway. Everyone that has ever tried to assure me things would be one way, ended up being the catalyst behind why things turned out another way.

I suppose I should mirror her reaction and focus on the positive. My being able to ever trust this woman still has a long, oh so very long, way to go; but at least I felt safe in her office for a few fleeting moments.