I do know

Today was another Jekyll and Hyde day as far as emotions were concerned. I never knew what to expect from one minute to the next. Rage continues to maintain its prominence and at times it scares me to death because it is so voracious when it comes on. It totally consumes me in seconds, but in a flash it can disappear just as quickly. I think it is also beginning to scare the family. No one has dared acknowledge the violent vocal outbursts, but there's no denying that everyone has heard them. Hell, the neighbors have probably heard some of them because I constantly feel as if the house is a sauna so I've kept the windows open, even at night, so I don't suffocate.

The best course of action at this point would be to simply acknowledge that I need to be medicated again, however that is not as simple a gesture as one would think. I honestly believe that my emotions are so out of control because of the medications. My symptoms were never as severe as they have been since that first psychotropic medication entered my body. I was never in a psych hospital until AFTER I was on these medications. The more medications, the more trips to the psych unit, the more suicide attempts. Even if no one else is willing to entertain the concept of medications causing mental illness, I clearly see a connection between medications and the progression to more severe symptoms.

Since I see both my T and my pdoc this week, I'm going to bring this up to them. I'm sure they'll try to convince me otherwise, try to make me believe that I'm delusional, but they have to know where I stand. I want them to know that I need to get back to the person I was before the medications. She has to still exist. Somewhere inside, she just has to.

In other news, I watched the Tony awards tonight and I think I have a new favorite musical...Next To Normal. I'd love to make it to New York to see it, but since I'm poor, I'll just have to wait until it eventually opens here in Chicago. When it does, I'll be one of the first in line to see it.

The story is basically about a mother struggling with bipolar that is worsening and the effect her illness has on her family. Other things addressed in the musical include grieving a loss, suicide, drug abuse, ECT, ethics in modern psychiatry and suburban life.

The song they sang during the Tony's is a combination of two songs, "You Don't Know" and "I Am The One". I almost immediately started crying when actress Alice Ripley began singing "You Don't know". Why? Because I DO KNOW! I especially what it's like to die alive. Below are the lyrics and I found a video of the song on YouTube as well.

Note: If you have a spouse or significant other that has been or is trying to be supportive, the second song, "I Am The One", will probably also make you cry.


You Don't Know

Do you wake up in the morning and need help to lift your head?
Do you read obituaries and feel jealous of the dead?
It's like living on a cliff side not knowing when you'll dive.
Do you know, do you know, what it's like to die alive?

When the world that once had color fades to white and gray and black.
When tomorrow terrifies you, but you'll die if you look back.
You don't know.
I know you don't know.
You say that you're hurting, it sure doesn't show.
You don't know.
It lays me so low, when you say let go.
And I say, you don't know.

The sensation that you're screaming, but you never make a sound.
Or the feelings that you're falling, but you never hit the ground.
It just keeps on rushing at you day by day by day by day.
You don't know, you don't know, what it's like to live that way.
Like a refugee, a fugitive, forever on the run.
If it gets me it will kill me, but I don't know what I've done.