Friday, June 12, 2009

Legal drug junkie

Out of curiosity, I took the Zonegran last night. I wanted to see what, if any, effect it would have on me. As I kind of suspected, it didn't make me even the slightest bit drowsy, which meant I didn't sleep. At. All. By the time 4 am rolled around I was ready to rip my hair out in frustration so I dipped into my Valium stash and took 15 mgs, hoping that would help. I was almost ready to breakdown and take 50 mgs of Seroquel but knew I couldn't. I had to be awake at 8 am to take my car in to have the brakes checked and if I took the Seroquel, there was no way I'd be able to safely drive to the repair shop because I'd be fighting to keep my eyes open.

In tears, I finally took 100 mgs at 8:00 am so that I'd fall asleep as soon as I returned home from dropping my car off. I will never be free of my dependence on Seroquel, NEVER. This one drug has fucked up my brain chemistry so badly that it is nearly impossible for me to ever fall asleep without it. Being that it is an antipsychotic, it doesn't even help with the symptoms it is supposed to...the paranoia, the hallucinations, the racing thoughts. The only thing it does is have complete control over the switch in my brain that controls sleep.

I feel like this medication has turned me into a "legal drug junkie" and my pdoc is my drug dealer. I'm sure some people will claim I don't meet the criteria for junkie because I don't need more Seroquel to produce the same effect. However, I physically NEED to take this drug every night and that in itself is just as inherently harmful as being a cocaine or heroin addict. All in all, the whole situation is highly ironic considering my pdoc keeps trying to claim I am an alcoholic, yet I don't ever have the urge to drink.

3 Comments:

OpenID themadandwild said...

You might want to read this http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2007/07/the_most_important_article_on.html.
Basically, your probably not taking enough seroquel for it to work.

I wouldn't call your seroquel dependancy a addiction just yet, as an addiction involves a psychological craving for it, and destructive habits around that behaviour that interfere with your life.

10:16 PM, June 12, 2009  
Blogger Sid said...

Ok, I do understand that I'm not on a high enough dose to have it work as an antipsychotic. However, I never had any psychotic features to even treat UNTIL I went on this medication!! It was originally prescribed solely to help me sleep.

The problem is that I am now 100% physically addicted to the sedating effect of the lower dose. Without it I CANNOT SLEEP AT ALL. So yes, without a doubt, I am addicted to Seroquel because it is producing behaviour that is negatively interfering with my life.

11:57 PM, June 12, 2009  
Blogger sansanity said...

oddly enough this is one of my fears about my low dose of seroquel.

12:18 AM, November 26, 2009  

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