Not lucky enough

Not quite sure what to do with myself this evening. I've tried starting nearly a dozen different activities and quickly became disinterested in all of them. I don't know if I'm just overly bored or suffering from an acute case of anhedonia. All the things I love to do most....hang out with my daughter, listen to music, read, even posting here...they all seem like chores rather than fun. It's just adding to the aggravation I already feel from dealing with my rage and medication issues.

Managed to do a little cleaning earlier, since the OCD side of me won't leave for vacation without the house being spotless. There's a laundry list of other things that need to get done before we leave on Thursday, but I have no desire to do any of them. I'm trying not to focus on what limited time I have left, but instead on how to break things down into smaller tasks so they seem more manageable. I've even bribed my daughter and her boyfriend with money to clean the car, a chore I hate worse than cooking.

I know everything will get done in time, I just wish I was more excited to be getting away. Sometimes I am, and other times all I do is dread the thought of returning because I know what I have to come back to. Occasionally I go so far as to think of ways where we'd never have to return, usually in the form of some gruesome, deadly car accident, thus avoiding the whole divorce, the usually mini-meltdown and the other negatives that I know will await my homecoming. Unfortunately, I'm not lucky enough to die in a freak accident.