Calmer today

The gyne's office called to say that my pathology report came back as normal. I figured it would. I'm not lucky enough to be struck with cancer or any other deadly disease. They also asked how I was recovering from surgery. Initially I was doing okay the first few days, but today the bleeding increased again. Nothing too heavy, just enough to be exceptionally annoying since I've already been bleeding for 8 days and I've been banned from using tampons for two weeks.

The dentist's office also called to see how I was doing after the root canal. Once the swelling finally subsided late last night, I'm actually pain free in that area for the first time since July 1st. I go back next Monday for the permanent filling and to find out how much a cap is going to cost me. The tooth already had very little enamel structure left to it after my last dentist had to fill a deep cavity in it last year. Now that they've removed the filling and have done the root canal, there isn't much of a stable tooth left and if I hope to keep the little that remains, I need to have it capped. More money I don't have, but at least I'll have some time to save for it, the cap doesn't need to be done right away.

Overall I'm calmer today than yesterday. I did drink a bottle of wine last night and cut again, but refrained from taking too many pills. In fact, I managed to adhere to the prescribed doses of Vicodin and ibuprofen. I also didn't touch the Valium or Darvocet. Given how horrible I was feeling, I think I showed a decent level of restraint in not harming myself as much as the voices in my head wanted me to.

I know I'm not stable by any stretch of the imagination, which scares me because there are things in life I need to get done. I need to get my daughter registered for school, which requires talking to someone at the district headquarters about our status of technically being "homeless". I tried to make that call today, but anxiety got the better of me and I pushed it off to the side, hoping I'll be able to deal with it tomorrow.

I also seriously need to resume working on the divorce, but I'm concerned the stress of all that will push me over the edge I'm teetering upon. I told my therapist yesterday that I should just put it all off for another six months. The kiddie will be 18 by then and if I kill myself, she won't be forced to live with her father. She'll be an adult and can choose for herself where to live. I do realize how twisted that rationale is, but that's how upset I was yesterday.

Where's the strength I used to possess that allowed me to just get things done because they needed to be done? It would push past any anxieties, any depression, any self-defeating thoughts and just accomplish the tasks at hand that needed to be completed. I desperately need to find it, because right now I feel so paralyzed by fear.