Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Calmer today

The gyne's office called to say that my pathology report came back as normal. I figured it would. I'm not lucky enough to be struck with cancer or any other deadly disease. They also asked how I was recovering from surgery. Initially I was doing okay the first few days, but today the bleeding increased again. Nothing too heavy, just enough to be exceptionally annoying since I've already been bleeding for 8 days and I've been banned from using tampons for two weeks.

The dentist's office also called to see how I was doing after the root canal. Once the swelling finally subsided late last night, I'm actually pain free in that area for the first time since July 1st. I go back next Monday for the permanent filling and to find out how much a cap is going to cost me. The tooth already had very little enamel structure left to it after my last dentist had to fill a deep cavity in it last year. Now that they've removed the filling and have done the root canal, there isn't much of a stable tooth left and if I hope to keep the little that remains, I need to have it capped. More money I don't have, but at least I'll have some time to save for it, the cap doesn't need to be done right away.

Overall I'm calmer today than yesterday. I did drink a bottle of wine last night and cut again, but refrained from taking too many pills. In fact, I managed to adhere to the prescribed doses of Vicodin and ibuprofen. I also didn't touch the Valium or Darvocet. Given how horrible I was feeling, I think I showed a decent level of restraint in not harming myself as much as the voices in my head wanted me to.

I know I'm not stable by any stretch of the imagination, which scares me because there are things in life I need to get done. I need to get my daughter registered for school, which requires talking to someone at the district headquarters about our status of technically being "homeless". I tried to make that call today, but anxiety got the better of me and I pushed it off to the side, hoping I'll be able to deal with it tomorrow.

I also seriously need to resume working on the divorce, but I'm concerned the stress of all that will push me over the edge I'm teetering upon. I told my therapist yesterday that I should just put it all off for another six months. The kiddie will be 18 by then and if I kill myself, she won't be forced to live with her father. She'll be an adult and can choose for herself where to live. I do realize how twisted that rationale is, but that's how upset I was yesterday.

Where's the strength I used to possess that allowed me to just get things done because they needed to be done? It would push past any anxieties, any depression, any self-defeating thoughts and just accomplish the tasks at hand that needed to be completed. I desperately need to find it, because right now I feel so paralyzed by fear.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Your strength is still there, Sid. It may be buried deep, but it's there. Otherwise you wouldn't be here. Keep hanging in htere.

3:33 PM, July 15, 2009  

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