A random stranger

I noticed that I kept thinking about my therapist quite a bit yesterday. The new one, Ms. M, that I haven't mentioned much. Talking to her is like talking to a random stranger on a bus who happens to over hear you thinking out loud to yourself about how hot the weather is or how slow traffic seems to be moving. They respond to your comment and suddenly you're drawn into small talk. You refrain from revealing anything personal about yourself because you don't know this person and chances are, you will probably never cross paths with them ever again.

That's how I feel each time I walk into my T's office. Like she's a random stranger I make small talk with and someone who I will probably never see again once our session is over. There is no feeling of permanence to her presence. Despite her office being decorated with personal items like photographs, she doesn't yet have her name on her door like everyone else. She doesn't have personalized business cards yet. Her voice mail isn't even properly set up with a personal greeting.

Given how swiftly my last therapist left, without any advance warning at all, I'm afraid this woman is going to leave too or be asked to leave when the typical new employee grace period of 90 days is up. She'll just disappear one day without explanation. My natural response, given that I sense this is merely a temporary relationship, is to resist trying to form any sort of attachment to her. Remain at a safe emotional distance rather than risk feeling abandoned yet again.

Knowing I'm deliberately keeping her at arm's length and behind my safety barrier might explain why it feels so empty to talk to her, but I keep wondering if I'd even connect with her if I allowed myself to try. She seems so...dry, for lack of a better word. Or maybe indifferent is a better description. Like I mentioned here back in May, she seems to lack a genuine desire to help people, or at least to help me. I find that very troublesome because I've never encountered it before. Even the worst of the therapists I've had in the past at least came across most of the time as truly wanting to help, even if they failed miserably at it.

Anyway, tomorrow is my surgery and hopefully all will go well. I don't expect there will be any complications other than the usual anesthesia one where they are unable to wake me afterward. That's just par for the course though, so I'm used to it. As for my dental problem, the pain is so severe I didn't sleep at all last night. I had to see my primary doctor today and she said there is an infection in the tooth that is severe enough that it has caused the lymph nodes in my neck to swell. She said that is why the Darvocet doesn't feel like it has been working. So I'm now on antibiotics four times a day for the next 10 days. Joy. I feel like I'm starting up my own pharmacy over here.