Saturday, August 01, 2009

Where did this past week go?

One day it's Tuesday and the next it's already Saturday. Wish I could say I slept the week away, but all the stiff and achy joints and muscles provide proof to the contrary.

Wednesday I went back to the help desk at the courthouse to get more info about the divorce. I received a letter in the mail last Friday stating I needed to show up in court on August 20th for a status hearing, so I was left with little choice. I don't really have time to be working on this crap right now since my calendar is already quite busy until August 28th. I can't cancel anything else and I'm not allowed to cancel this court date, so I somehow have to squeeze the divorce bullshit into a schedule that already has me overwhelmed.

Thursday my sister and I took our girls & the kiddie's boyfriend downtown to watch the Windy City Rubber Ducky Derby, which sucked this year thanks to the Chicago Police Department. In past years, since the ducks can't "swim" up the river, they've had the Chicago Fire Department use a hose on one of their boats to push all the ducks towards the finish line. This year though, they had the police department do it and the idiot with the hose only bothered to push about 2,000 of the 30,000 rubber ducks they dumped in the river. The rest remained behind the police boat and out of the race.

After that we headed over to Lincoln Park Zoo since it's free. We stayed there until they closed at 5 pm and then we walked over to the beach. Since it hasn't been very warm this summer, the lake water is still freezing, but it was also the clearest I have ever seen it in my entire life.

Friday I had to babysit my nieces while my sister went to the doctor. When she returned, we sorted through all the clothes, toys, books and other crap we've gathered together for the garage sale we're having next weekend. While we worked on that, her hubby went ballistic on my sister, their two girls and their two dogs. He was literally seconds away from killing the dogs because one (or maybe both) peed in the house. Yelling and screaming at my sister and their daughters about it, yet he's the one that decided to buy the two dogs in the first place!! The guy seriously needs some fucking anger management classes. I can see being angry about the dogs peeing in the house, but his response was WAY out of line. If I didn't believe that Intermittent Explosive Disorder was a crock diagnosis, I'd label his sorry ass with it.

This past week wasn't even nearly as full as the rest of August will be, yet I barely managed to do the things I had planned before I collapsed into bed last night, drained of all energy. I don't know how I'm going to survive until the 28th without a break. If I could just go on autopilot and fake my way through I'd be okay. But I can't fake my way through emotionally charged events like I used to and there are several coming up, including two of them back to back this coming week.

Why do stress, struggle and the most inopportune moment constantly befall me all at the exact same time? Whenever I step up to the plate and try to become involved in life instead of just being a spectator, all I end up doing is suffering for it. When every signal I get just proves that I'm not supposed to be alive, why the fuck am I still here?


Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

"Whenever I step up to the plate and try to become involved in life instead of just being a spectator, all I end up doing is suffering for it."

I've often thought this exact same thing.

8:07 AM, August 02, 2009  
Blogger MB said...

Sounds like you're doing an amazing job at keeping up with things! I always find when I switch to autopilot I always end up missing something important - which inevitably bites me in the ass.

You're stronger than you think!

12:25 PM, August 02, 2009  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

I agree with MB - you ARE stronger than you think. I know there's a lot going on right now, so I hope you remember to be gentle on yourself.

3:23 PM, August 02, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


5:03 PM, August 02, 2009  
Anonymous Lili said...

I often wonder why I'm here too. Then i get reminded in weird ways that even when I'm at my worst I can be helpful or supportive. I guess that's why I exist. It may be totally wrong though. You are very strong. Since anger is my deflection I'd have been all over that guy like green on grass. So maybe your calm response was a gift in itself to your sister and her daughters.

4:47 PM, August 07, 2009  

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