I'm not fine

Today has been an up and down day, a complete mix of everything. Bad news and good news. Positive and negative moods. Sane moments and purely insane ones. Nothing has held steady. I don't know if I'm coming or going. A part of me wants to grab onto the moments that lightened my emotional and financial load, but I know full well that if I do, I'll get the usual harsh reality slap across the face.

Feeling as if schedule and repetition would be good for me, I got up early and made my way to the hospital for the Monday morning group. I was deeply suspect about why Ms. L was there to help lead the group instead of Ms. J because it was Ms. L they sent to hound me about my drinking when I first started the partial hospital program. She's the one that insisted I had to write an essay on why I thought I didn't need to do the chemical dependency groups.

Having mentioned last week in the group that I wasn't holding things together well, and having mentioned the same to my therapist, I felt as if they were possibly trying to corner me again. I ditched out of the room and quickly out of the building promptly at 10:30 am so that no one had time to pull me aside or to grab me and drag me off to the inpatient unit. I briefly heard my name called as I rushed out the door, but didn't dare turn around to see if someone wanted to talk to me or if it was just my imagination.

When I got home, I called the homeless liaison employed by our school district. I found it strange that she remembered who I was and who my daughter was from one conversation that lasted less than 5 minutes last week. Granted most people have far better memories than I do, and she might have written down some of what I told her, but given the size of our district, it seemed suspicious. Even more so because the reason she asked me to call back this week was because she was busy with an educational fair and was afraid she'd lose my information.

Luckily she said she would take care of everything and that my daughter would receive the free lunches this year. Not that my daughter eats lunch, but the free lunch designation offers benefits that we definitely need. I don't have to pay school registration fees, which typically average about $200. My daughter gets the application fees waived to any and all colleges she applies to. She gets to take her A/P tests for free. The district will also cover graduation expenses and help pay for any field trips the seniors might take this year. They'll even provide school supplies if she needs them.

After that call, I had an appointment with my therapist. Given the state budget cuts to social services, knowing that she's new and only works part time, I finally expressed my deep concern that she is going to suddenly disappear without a trace. That I fear any attempt at trusting her will only result in my being hurt when any relationship we are able to build from that trust gets ripped away and I'm left feeling abandoned yet again. She explained to me that she took the job because she needs the insurance benefits, so she really hopes to remain where she is. She has three kids and her husband works as a contractor and therefore doesn't have insurance through his job. She said that she only works part time at the center because she does have three kids, plus she also has a private practice that she works at the other days of the week.

Did that help calm my fears any? Not really. I still worry that because of the state budget cuts that are forcing places like community mental health centers to cut services and jobs, she will be one of the first to get the axe since she's the newest employee and is only part time. She said that she didn't anticipate the center making any such cuts, at least not in the area of therapy services, because they are a part of a large hospital organization and take patients with insurance or that are self-pay, they don't primarily rely on public funds like so many other community mental health centers. They have the financial means to be more self-supportive than other places and usually operate in the black.

We also talked about the rising paranoia, how she was very startled to learn last week that I had attempted suicide earlier this year, how I don't want to take any psychotropic meds and my recent stint of self-abuse. She really wants me to consult with another psychiatrist before I have my current one wean me completely off the Seroquel. I told her it wouldn't make one iota of difference. There's no way anyone can convince me that psychotropic meds are safe or effective and worth risking unknown permanent damage and disability to remain on them.

I find it funny that she says I'm doing remarkably better than most of her other clients. I wanted to ask if they were all comatose or dead, but didn't. Why do people think that just because I'm obsessive about keeping commitments (and not a healthy obsessive either), that somehow translates into "you're fine"? I'm not fine when I'm paranoid that I'm being followed and that people are out to deliberately hurt me. I'm not fine when I'm so stressed that I'm paralyzed by fear and not able to work on the most important task I need to accomplish, the divorce, because I worry that it'll be the catalyst for another suicide attempt. I'm not fine when I'm so full of self hatred that I'm abusing myself almost nightly with cutting, plus forcing myself to drink and abuse narcotic pain killers.

The mask I try to hide behind daily has major cracks in it, but everyone seems to ignore them or they do their best to make them seem insignificant, even when I voice just how serious a problem they truly are. It's as if everyone sees me as a totally different person than the person I know myself to be. Even when it's painfully obvious I'm suffering, like last week when I was in hysterics in my T's office, it just gets dismissed as no big deal.

Once I left the therapist's office, it was on to the dentist to have my root canal finished. I thought all they needed to do was pull out the temporary filling and put in a permanent one, but she did more drilling and took at least 4 more x-rays. Got a bit of good news upon leaving though. The dentist explained that while insurance won't pay for root canals for the back teeth (guess they will for front teeth which makes little sense to me since all teeth are important except wisdom teeth), they will cover the cap I need to protect the tooth. They'll send the final x-ray to my insurance and said that approval to proceed with the cap should be received in about three weeks.

Despite wanting to just head home and go to bed, I instead went to the family support meeting tonight at the hospital because the topic was emotional management and I'd heard from someone else that they offered good information in that group. I didn't learn anything I wasn't already taught during the partial program, but I did get pissed off because the woman leading the group wouldn't acknowledge me when I raised my hand repeatedly to ask a question. When I was in the partial program full time, she did a similar group and I had asked a question back them related to borderline personality disorder and emotions. Maybe she thought I was going to ask the same question (which I wasn't because someone else asked it). Regardless, it was really fucking rude of the bitch to ignore me. I was tempted to just shout out my question, but I didn't want to be rude to the whole group so I kept my mouth shut. I've decided to never go back to the evening group since that same bitch runs it every week.

Now I'm just sitting back after taking some Darvocet cuz my tooth is hurting, which the dentist said might happen as it begins to heal from all the dental work, and I'm having a couple of beers. Yes I am using artificial means in the hopes of calming myself down. I need to keep my focus away from the negatives that happened today so I won't break out the razor blade again after the kiddie goes to bed. My arms desperately need a break in order to start healing.