Thursday, August 06, 2009

Can't trust anybody

Somehow my pdoc learned of my drug hoarding habit. Since I certainly didn't tell him about it, it could have only come from one other therapist. The one that swore she wouldn't talk to my pdoc without my knowledge. Nice. Can't fucking trust anyfuckingbody.

When he asked if I had brought my medications with me, I was surprised and said no. It was an unexpected question, especially since it wasn't something we'd ever even discussed before. Towards the end of our visit he asked me to bring my meds with to my next appointment, specifically the rest of the Zonegran he had prescribed me several months back. I asked what makes him think I even still have any. That's when he said because I "have a history of hoarding medications". I was stunned. I told him that I didn't have any of the Zonegran, that I'd gotten rid of what I had left. Since it doesn't have much potential to be deadly on its own, it's of no use to me. I doubt he believed me, but I really don't give a fuck.

Unbeknownst to me, after learning I was a pill hoarder sometime in the last month, his office called my pharmacy and removed all refills I had remaining on any of the prescriptions he has ever written me. That includes the remaining refill for Valium. I only found out because I tried to get that refill for Valium today and the pharmacy told me there were none. I'm sure he did it to protect his own ass, but when I'm already extremely leery of mental health professionals, going behind my back instead of confronting me first really fucking pisses me off. Makes me wonder what else they are doing behind my back that I don't know about.

He still can't seem to comprehend why I want off the Seroquel and that I want to be off all psychotropic medications. In hopes of breaking free of my Seroquel addiction, I did accept the prescription he wrote for doxepin, a tricyclic antidepressant. Supposedly one of the side effects is drowsiness, but given my past experience with medications that supposedly make people drowsy, I'm not holding my breath that this will work.

In other news, to add to my overall misery which is payback for my trying to engage in life (cuz, yanno, the stomach flu just isn't enough), the anti-lock brake system decided to die on my car today. At least I hope it's just the ABS. Both that light and the brake light are on in my car. I was panicked at first because I don't have the time to drop my car off until maybe Tuesday of next week and I don't have the money for any repairs either. Now I've just resigned myself to hoping that my brakes actually do fail and I die in a car accident as a result. I've been assured that my brakes won't completely fail, but none of these people seems to understand how crappy my "luck" truly is.

Since I was so upset about my car, about my pdoc visit and life in general, dinner tonight consisted of about 8 shots of Jack Daniels (I don't know for sure, I lost count after six) and 20 mgs of Valium. Sadly I didn't even get buzzed, all it did was upset my stomach.

I'm calling it a night. I need to be up at 6 am in order to be at my sister's house in time to set up for the garage sale tomorrow. I really hope I suddenly die in my sleep, I really do.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are not alone.
But remember your dr's are there to help not hurt, although the two get mixed up when suicidal thoughts take over.

take it day by day
Be Well My friend

10:41 PM, August 06, 2009  
Blogger lissyvz said...

(HUG) I understand

10:42 PM, August 06, 2009  
Anonymous Lili said...

That f*cking SUCKS. Isn't there some sort of law that that sort of info cannot be passed without you filling something out? I'm in anger management mode(my regular state of being) so my suggestion is to get even.Since I'm new to your blog I won't say hugs but I'll say may you have one good thing happen and one calm thought.

4:30 PM, August 07, 2009  

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