Monday, August 31, 2009

Leave it dead and buried

Therapy was difficult today and I'm left with one of the most challenging decisions of my life - give up permanently or begin to work through the one topic I've always avoided like the plague...my past. Luckily I have two weeks to decide how to proceed because next Monday is a holiday, so I won't see my therapist again until the 14th.

Last week, the woman I talked to at the DBSA meeting told me what I should do when I reach the fork in the road. In an odd and unsettling coincidence she wasn't referring to just any fork, it was this exact one. She had specifically asked me if I'd ever talked to anyone about my past abuse and when I said no, she said that's where I needed to go. When I reached the fork in the road, she told me, I had to chose the harder of the two, the one that delved into my past.

I gave her the same response I gave my therapist today, the same reply I've given to anyone that even broached the subject with me...I don't see what can possibly be gained from it. I know the impact the abuse had on me. I know how it shaped the person I am today. Ripping open old wounds and reliving the past isn't going to change what happened. It won't right all the wrongs. It's over, it's done with, leave it dead and buried.

Why is there this push to talk about it all the time? We didn't even get into anything specific today, yet I already feel desperately exhausted. When I left her office I was in such a daze that I was unsure I'd be able to keep myself safe. How is making someone feel worse supposed to make them feel better? Why
retraumatize the victim?

4 Comments:

OpenID trapezegirl65 said...

Sid:

As you might have noticed I'm following you on twitter. I'm having the same probably getting over past abuse, in particular two verbally and abusive freeloading husbands. Having a REAL hard time letting go of the anger. I to VA and I can't see my therapist until 9/17 which sucks. Thanks for creating the blog. I also just started attending DBSA. I spent over 1 and a half years (srsly) isolating from anyone besides my Mom and therapist. Best of luck to you! I know what you are going through..

Leslie

12:10 AM, September 01, 2009  
Blogger Sheri said...

I can understand your feelings of "Why retraumatize the victim?" I'm so tired of people saying I can't move forward if I don't face the past. I fortunately have a therapist who doesn't force the issue unless something comes up that seriously relates to past abuse.

8:59 AM, September 01, 2009  
Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

I was in therapy almost 20 years before I discussed anything about the sexual and emotional abuse I suffered when I was 12. I quickly stopped the discussions. I just didn't think that going there would help me. I still keep it locked in a box in the back of my mind.

9:14 AM, September 01, 2009  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Digging into the past isn;t a lot of fun, and I find it really hard to do too. It helps if it's with a therapist that you have a connection with. I know that there were many things I would not have wanted to discuss with V when I first got to know her.

8:04 PM, September 01, 2009  

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