Trying to understand

Last night I went to a DBSA meeting. It was only the second one I've attended in more than two years. I often forget this organization even exists, despite having a link to their website in my sidebar, which is why I've only managed to get to two of their meetings. Both have been educational ones where they had speakers on topics that interested me, the latest being about anger.

While anger is certainly something I struggle with, it wasn't the only reason I went to the meeting. I also went because I really wanted to get more information about Bipolar. Fortunately, the group is held at a mental health facility where no one knows me or my history because I've never had the misfortune of being locked up at the hospital next door and I've never used their outpatient services either. The anxiety of being in a room full of strangers was overwhelming, but on the upside, the anonymity made me feel as if the feedback I was receiving was genuinely honest and bias-free.

After the speaker was finished, I grabbed a book they had about Bipolar and began reading it. I'm trying to figure out if Bipolar fits. At times I think it does, and other other times...not so much. I realize everyone keeps telling me to quit focusing in on the diagnosis, but for me, knowing what's really wrong is part of working towards a plan to get better. If I had physical symptoms that were incapacitating, I'd sure as hell keep going to the doctor until I got a proper diagnosis. I wouldn't just assume a lump in my breast is malignant, get my boob chopped off and undergo chemotherapy. The proper diagnosis is important and I think that applies to ANY illness.

As I sat reading the book, one of the people that helps run the group came over to talk to me. Turns out she remembered me from the one time I'd been there back in 2007 because, of all things, my red hair. Apparently my paranoia about it making me stand out like a sore thumb isn't a totally irrational fear if someone can remember me more than two years later after a brief encounter merely because of my hair.

Anyway, she asked if there was something in particular I was looking for in the book. I explained that I was trying to get a better understanding of mania and hypomania. I keep hearing about anger and irritability with Bipolar, but haven't yet read anything that helps me understand how that relates to mania.

Time was limited, but we talked for a good half hour and covered a lot. We have similar histories, so it was helpful that she understood where I was coming from. She asked if I'd be willing to come to one of their care & share meetings, where they split up into groups. I told her about my anxiety issues, especially with groups and she understood but said she hoped that I'd come sometime. Said that by attending those meetings and listening to others, I might find the answer I'm looking for.

It's so hard to relate to other people, which is one of the many things that causes me such great anxiety in support groups. I am going to give some serious thought to attending, though at this point I'm not sure it'll fit into the schedule with the kiddie being back at school and working.