Still feeling the stress

Is it a bad sign when you become physically ill after seeing your therapist? I'm still feeling the stress of yesterday's appointment and my body is reacting by having all my systems go haywire. I kept having the chills this morning, my heart was racing so hard I thought it would pound its way out of my chest this afternoon and don't even get me started on the digestive problems.

The worst was the lack of sleep because I kept having flashbacks to an incident from a few years back while I was inpatient. One where the reality of my entire life literally played out live in front of everyone in an art therapy group, leaving the therapist completely stunned because she realized exactly what was happening as it unfolded. She would later admit that nothing like that had ever happened in her 20+ years as a therapist and she was in utter shock. I know without a doubt that she will never witness such an event again, unless it happens to me a second time.

Once again, I know the reason why my brain chose to focus in on this memory. During my therapy session yesterday we touched on the subject of how I feel no one truly cares about me (the only exception is my daughter). One of the life lessons I learned at a very early age was that as long as I kept my mouth shut, behaved properly and stayed out of everybody's way, people would tolerate me, maybe even like me. I was never allowed to have feelings, let alone express them. The lives of everyone else around me were (and still are) more important than my own, I'm just a background accessory. A full on demonstration of that is what played out in art therapy that day.

I tried to take a chance and speak up. Took the chance at putting my emotions out on the table, only to be traumatized in the process. No one cared enough to stop what was happening with the guy that had interrupted me and the entire group. A guy that had been a problem the whole time he was there and one that many of us were afraid of, including some of the staff members. I wanted to stop him myself, by stabbing him with my pen and beating the shit out of him, but instead I ran from the room in tears. No one cared enough to follow me and help me process what had just happened. No one gave a shit that I was tremendously hurt. I was completely dismissed...just like I have been my entire life.

I find it incredibly disturbing that most of the PTSD-type flashbacks I have are of traumatizing events like that one that have occurred when I'm in the supposedly "safe" environment of a hospital or therapist's office. And my therapist somehow wants me to trust her enough to start digging into my past?