Friday, September 25, 2009

Don't believe I'm real

Another week slipped by without a word written. I hope this isn't a sign of things to come. I really don't want to end up deserting my blog altogether, but if feels as if that's the direction I'm heading in, at least at this point.

It also seems as if time has been frozen and September will never end. I keep looking at the calendar waiting to change it to October, but that day never comes. Instead of a mere 25 days, it feels as if this month has lasted 25 years. Probably a side effect of the disconnect I've been struggling with. My daughter seems to think September is speeding by, as do a few other people I've mentioned the lag to.

I've discussed what's going on with my therapist and she's just happy I haven't cut or had anything to drink, as if those are the first things I turn to when the pervasive feeling of emptiness returns. Obviously the woman still knows nothing about me. During these moments, self injury rarely ever enters the picture. I'm too afraid to cut because I don't believe I'm real, that I actually exist. I don't want to risk having that fear validated by cutting and finding there is no blood inside of me.

As for drinking, there's absolutely no desire for that. The bottle of jack remains on my desk untouched. The wine is still sitting in the wine rack unchilled. The case of beer is on the floor and still full. Another example of why I can't possibly be an alcoholic...I'm not "powerless" over the stuff. I have bottles of alcohol sitting around the house all the time and never touch them. Never have to fight off any urges because there are none. A true alcoholic would be hard pressed to resist the temptation, especially the bottle of jack that's always right there in front of me as I sit at my desk.

A friend mentioned talking to my pdoc about a change of meds, but I don't see that as a viable option considering I don't want to even be on any meds at all. There isn't anything that's going to make me feel whole again, make me feel human. I'm just going to ride this out and see where it takes me. I don't have the life inside right now to do much else.


Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

I feel the same way about meds. There doesn't seem to be anything to help. Some offer relief temporarily but eventually poop out. I'm tired of all this.

9:21 AM, September 26, 2009  
Blogger MB said...

September does seem to be never ending right now. I'm not sure when or how my spiral started but it appears to be in full flow. Some meds do nothing but act as a detriment - sometimes the professionals need to see that rather than following their books or making assumptions.

Hang in there Sid!

10:54 AM, September 26, 2009  
Anonymous beautifuldreamer said...

I too thought September would never end. Oh I hate it so much when I find it hard to believe I exist, which is most of the time. And the feeling of simply drifting with no purpose.

I hope things get better for you. Your honesty is inspiring and I like the look and feel of your blog. I do hope you keep writing!

8:02 PM, October 12, 2009  

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