Feedback needed
I don't normally do this, but I'd like to ask all my readers for some feedback on the following questions...
- How do you think your life would be different if you did not have a mental illness?
- What would you want to be doing with your life that you aren't currently doing because your mental health has interfered with those dreams or goals?
- What constitutes "a life worth living" to you?
I'm not looking for off the wall, "if money were no object", type answers. I can imagine the things I'd be doing with my time if I were independently wealthy. It's easy to dream big. The problem is, I can't dream small. I can't dream realistically. And that's why I'm asking these questions.
My therapist, just like others in the past, has asked me to think about what kind of life I'd like to be living if I weren't sick. I've never had an answer to that question. Even when I wasn't disabled by my illnesses, I was just trudging through the cesspool of life. I'd make decisions without ever thinking them through because I had no direction, no goals, and then deal with the consequences after.
I can't grasp the concept of what a life worth living even looks like because I have never wanted life. I've been trying to grab hold of death for as long as I can remember that life is unimaginable to me. Right now I live for my daughter, to take care of her needs. I don't live for myself and I know that's a huge obstacle I have to overcome if I ever hope to get better.
So I'd appreciate any and all replies to the questions I've asked. I'd like to try to catch a glimpse of what life could possibly be, even if it's through the eyes of others. Maybe that will help me begin to formulate a plan, some tiny goals, for my own life.
Either leave your response in the comments or email me at the_mass_defective@yahoo.com
Thanks in advance to all who reply!
4 Comments:
* - How do you think your life would be different if you did not have a mental illness?
I'm trying hard to sort this out but as mental illness the very fabric of my life I can't picture myself without it. I guess maybe I'd be more mellow, more focused, and more able to weather the storms better.
* - What would you want to be doing with your life that you aren't currently doing because your mental health has interfered with those dreams or goals?
Going to school.
* - What constitutes "a life worth living" to you?
Living in service, balance, and love. Living free from doubts and demons running round in my head.
Let me think about this. I have a lot to say, I'm just not feeling terribly articulate at the moment!
If i didn't have mental illness (which began when i was 18...i'm 47 now!), i think i would have been able to become a nurse, as i had planned-maybe even a paramedic. At this time in my life, i wish sooo much i could turn back the clock....(who among us doesn't?) and if i were smart and not crazy, i think i may have even tried to become a physican. As it is now, i just quit a "chatti" job of 2 and 1/2 years and am basically doing nothing, which is driving me even crazier, even though i am not sure i could hold down the simlpest of part time jobs right now.
As for what makes life worth living, the depression has such a hold of me, it mostly seems i have little to look forward to and i am currently living for my son.
thanks for the chance to answer your thoughts, Sid and a touching blog entry, as always. My thoughts are with you,
tracy
I honestly don't remember much of my life before I was diagnosed and even several years following. I just wonder what it would feel like to be "normal" if there is such a thing. I also wonder what it would feel like to get a good nights sleep and wake up feeling refreshed. When I wake up depressed I already know that nothing productive will be done that day...every day. I think if I was able to wake up ready to face the world, I'd have a lot of good things going on. Instead I shrink back into the hole I call my life...
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