Monday, October 19, 2009

I hate life

Why is it that when I'm emotionally unstable, everything around me goes to shit too? It's a never ending cycle. This isn't even stuff that would normally happen that maybe I'm just unable to deal with because I am in a precarious state. The most random, bizarre things keep happening. It seriously feels like the gods are conspiring to make sure my life sucks more ass than it did the day before. For instance, the sewer suddenly backed up into the house at the end of last week for no apparent reason. Even the plumber that came out could offer no explanation because the pipe wasn't blocked.

My favorite happened today. I had to drive from Chicago to the Iowa border at 4 am to pick my daughter up because she got slammed hard with the flu while on a trip out there with her choir for a music festival.

I was so beyond livid and so incredibly tired of dealing with all this crap that I called my therapist at 5:30 am to cancel my appointment. Even though I would be back in time, I wasn't up for driving out to her office after driving 6 hours to and from Iowa on no sleep and I'd need to get my daughter to the doctor sometime after we got back. I forget what I said in my message other than I'm so ready to give up on life and that I didn't know if I'd ever bother to reschedule.

She called me back when she got into the office and asked if I wanted to go to the hospital. When I said no, she tried to get me to contract for safety. I said I wasn't making any promises to anyone. I told her I managed to get home without slamming my car into an overpass at 90 miles per hour, which was the only thing on my mind the entire way there and back, so kudos to me.

My T managed to convince me to at least schedule an appointment for next Monday, though I told her I wasn't sure if I'd bother to show. She really wants me to come in and see her on Wednesday, but I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Tonight I plan to cuddle up with a nice bottle of Merlot and a whole lot of Seroquel. I plan on sleeping the entire day tomorrow since the kiddie will be staying home from school. If I stay asleep, I won't be able to act on the overwhelming desire to grab a kitchen knife and stab the fucking shit out of myself. I hate life. I truly do.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know at times like this, nothing anyone says can make things better. At my lowest points, I feel like an ant on the sidewalk and God has a magnifying glass on me...bad seems to pile up on me. Just once in a while, couldn't I catch a break??
Please don't give up. By finding the strength to post your feelings, you give a voice to other silent sufferers of this agonizing illness. I think you are amazing. One minute at a time...
Jim (Loyal reader and fellow sufferer)

7:10 PM, October 19, 2009  
Anonymous Lili said...

Sid, hang on honey, one breath a time. Hang on.

9:13 PM, October 19, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, it sounds like a whole lot coming down at once and a whole lot of pressure and stress...hitting right at that stupid time when we are just that vulnerable to make it so much worse.

I know that feeling where it seems completely incomprehensible. We just want to scream: "Why? Why? Why?" at the top of our lungs...that is if we even had of have the energy.

I'll chime in, join the rest and say, yes, please do your best to hang on.

You are valued, here.

10:10 PM, October 19, 2009  
Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

It's weird, I experience the same thing myself. When I'm already feeling totally screwed up in the head that's when life throws awful shit my way. Makes a person wonder.

4:40 PM, October 20, 2009  
Blogger She Who Is said...

It sounds like sleep is the best thing for you right now. That and a therapy session. Let you doc evaluate you. You may need the hospital, as much as that would suck. I know none of what I have to say, save for the sleep part, is going to be very popular for you. But it has to be said. You have a daughter who loves you and needs you. So babe you're just going to have to take that one breath at a time someone else suggested and try to push forward. I realize it's hard to get passed all this shit. I realize it won't be easy. I know how tempting it is to just give up. Maybe you could put all your energy into helping your daughter to get over the flu. Maybe that would be a good distraction from the pains of existence. Make her soup. Sit with her. Talk with her. Smother her to death with motherly love. Anything to help distract you. Just keep swimming. Just keep breathing. Just keep trying. We love you.

4:51 PM, October 20, 2009  
Blogger Handsome B. Wonderful said...

I experience something similar. On shit days things seem to fight me even more. I go to therapy, it helps and then I travel home. The traffic is often awful so that by the time I get home I feel like I need another session!! It's so frustrating.

I hope that this passes for you soon. I couldn't get through my symptoms without some herbal medicine to supplement my synthetic, poisonous meds. That said pot isn't for everyone and can make things worse for some mentally ill.

12:36 PM, October 24, 2009  

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