Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Pull was too strong

As if driven by some unseen force, I made my way through Walmart today, a store I rarely venture into because sheer panic usually sets in before I can even get out of my car. I'd gone to get wiper blades but walk out with a knife instead. The pull was too strong, the voice too loud.

Logic tells me I should get rid of it, but the mere thought of doing so creates a tremendous surge of anxiety, unlike any I've felt in a long time, and I become paralyzed. How can the idea of disposing of an object I know is solely meant to inflict self harm be so traumatic that it sends me into an intense panic attack? You'd think the opposite would be true. You'd think I'd panic knowing it's in my possession and what I will eventually use it for.

Guess that's a sign of a truly sick mind, though I would say I'm feeling fine. I'm not suicidal at all. I did down the bottle of wine as I said I would on Monday and I did manage to sleep until about 5 pm on Tuesday. How it got to be Wednesday already, I don't know. I just hope I remember tomorrow is Thursday when I wake up because I made an appointment to go get my hair done.

I also hope I can make it through Friday, which is always the absolute worst day of the year for me. The kiddie and I made plans to go out, but she has a pretty severe case of the flu (thankfully not the swine version) and I'm not sure she'll be up for running around downtown. Hopefully she'll be better by then. I really want to be out & about where I can turn off my cellphone and be completely inaccessible.


Blogger TexAss said...

I despise Wal-Mart. Every time I go I want to punch someone in the face. I hate that you're going through this right now. I'm thinking of you. :)

9:37 AM, October 22, 2009  
Blogger tracy said...

You bought a knife...? Please be careful honey. i am there with you. i take my son to school and go back to bed. A ton of things to be done at home and all i want to do is hide until it's wine time...and therapy tomorrow. Shit. Think i should give it up for riding lessons.
i'm sooo very sorry this is happening to you,

11:19 AM, October 22, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sid.NO. No knives. Sort this out.

4:29 PM, October 22, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cutting has always been such a difficult issue for me. I wish I'd never started in the first place! Oh, boy! Do I ever!

I can understand how it can stir such volatile, and yes, conflicting emotions. It takes a lot of strength to battle such urges to not do it.

I am finding that strength, or continually working on it.

In reading your words, I can see such evidence of you fighting it too. Make no mistake. You are.

Keep going with it. You can do it.

Take care,

5:40 PM, October 22, 2009  

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