Pull was too strong

As if driven by some unseen force, I made my way through Walmart today, a store I rarely venture into because sheer panic usually sets in before I can even get out of my car. I'd gone to get wiper blades but walk out with a knife instead. The pull was too strong, the voice too loud.

Logic tells me I should get rid of it, but the mere thought of doing so creates a tremendous surge of anxiety, unlike any I've felt in a long time, and I become paralyzed. How can the idea of disposing of an object I know is solely meant to inflict self harm be so traumatic that it sends me into an intense panic attack? You'd think the opposite would be true. You'd think I'd panic knowing it's in my possession and what I will eventually use it for.

Guess that's a sign of a truly sick mind, though I would say I'm feeling fine. I'm not suicidal at all. I did down the bottle of wine as I said I would on Monday and I did manage to sleep until about 5 pm on Tuesday. How it got to be Wednesday already, I don't know. I just hope I remember tomorrow is Thursday when I wake up because I made an appointment to go get my hair done.

I also hope I can make it through Friday, which is always the absolute worst day of the year for me. The kiddie and I made plans to go out, but she has a pretty severe case of the flu (thankfully not the swine version) and I'm not sure she'll be up for running around downtown. Hopefully she'll be better by then. I really want to be out & about where I can turn off my cellphone and be completely inaccessible.