Monday, November 09, 2009

Surge of sadness

It's a rare occasion when I'm out of bed before noon, so I'm extremely irritated that it's not even 9 am and I'm wide awake even though I brought this upon myself. I decided I'm getting off Seroquel even if it kills me, so I've been taking half doses for the last couple of days. Hopefully at some point my brain will realize it isn't ever going to get any more than that and will readjust to allow me to sleep 8 hours on the half dose. When it does, I'll halve it again and continue.

Spurned on by the lack of sleep, my depression has progressed from a numb nuisance to a surge of sadness. I'm no longer annoyed that I can't feel anything, because suddenly I'm feeling everything. Every pent up emotion I haven't been able to access since March/April is bubbling to the surface. It's both a relief and a worry. I know all this needs to come out, but there also needs to be balance so I don't get swept away into the sea of misery.

Spent the better part of the weekend reading my old paper journals trying to find some shred of evidence that there is more to my insanity than just depression. Searching for signs that any of the other labels thrown at me - Bipolar II, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, etc. - might actually apply. Didn't find anything to corroborate any of those diagnoses. No signs, no symptoms prior to being told I suffer from this or that. All I found was me trying to pigeon-hole myself into each diagnosis AFTER it was tossed my way, especially the BPD, which was rather disturbing.

The experience has left me with even more mixed and suspicious feelings about the whole mental health establishment than ever. My journals clearly show the greatest deterioration in my mental health happened AFTER I'd started receiving treatment, not before. I was moderately depressed going in, but after screwing around with medications and therapy, I'm completely nonfunctional. How does that happen? What the fuck did these people do to my mind? And is it reversible?


Blogger She Who Is said...

You ask a good question. What are all these drugs doing to our minds? Right now I know I'm better off with them. But what about 10 years from now.

Can you talk to your docs about getting off all your meds? Or are they too pushy about that?

7:45 PM, November 09, 2009  
Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

I can sooo relate to this post. The whole med issue is enough to make a person crazy if they aren't already. I feel worse since I started taking this cocktail of drugs. Getting off the Risperdal is turning into a nightmare. I can't remember the last time I had a sound sleep. I feel hopeless because there doesn't seem to be anyone to talk to about this shit. My family doctor boils everything down to worsening mental illness and wants to pump me full of more pills and my psychaitrist is essentially doing the same thing. I feel like shit and want help.

5:50 AM, November 10, 2009  
Anonymous Lili said...

Sid honey have you joined MindFreedom and the Icarus project? You'll find that you are not as far off as you think.

Hugs and strength to you

10:13 AM, November 10, 2009  

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