Friday, October 30, 2009

Chugging along

Despite feeling as if the world is moving in slow motion, I still keep chugging along. Every task seems impossible, especially dragging myself out of bed, but when I'm finally successful (usually by 2 pm), I make sure the first thing I do is clean up in some way...be it wash my hair and brush my teeth or get in the shower, and then I get dressed. It doesn't seem worth the amount of energy I expend, but I somehow feel that if I can delude myself into thinking I'm doing something worthwhile for myself, maybe I'll eventually be deluded into thinking I'm going to survive the current storm.

The anxiety continues to fester and any little stressor sends me over the edge. I spend 50% of my waking hours crying over one thing or another. Luckily I can hide in my room without anyone asking "what's wrong", as if they really care to hear that I'm failing at life yet again.


Lack of money has been a huge problem as the days tick away, getting ever closer to my daughter's 18th birthday and graduation. Yesterday I learned that we will continue to receive the extra amount from Social Security we've been receiving for her until she graduates, however beginning in February, instead of depositing the money into my account, they will now give it directly to her. I don't understand their logic with that since the whole reason they even pay us that money is so that I can take care of her. The only thing paying her will do is complicate getting the bills paid since she doesn't have a checking account.


One of my biggest concerns beyond that is come June 1st, we lose a third of our income when Social Security stops paying the extra amount for her, but I certainly don't lose a third of my bills, so I haven't a clue how we're going to get by. My daughter will still be living with me full time until she heads off to college and even if she's lucky enough to find a summer job, it will only be part time and won't pay much. Guess it'll be back to food stamps, a thought I don't relish only because that means having to go to the local DHS office which always triggers a massive panic attack...even when I do take Valium.


Anyway, tomorrow is Halloween and I'm going to spend it with my daughter, her boyfriend, my sister and my nieces. I'm not particularly up for socializing, but some of the feedback I got from
this post made me realize that spending time with my nieces is something that's very important to me and I know it's important to them as well. So I'm going to sleep in as I usually do, get up and get showered, then head over to my sister's for some quality time with her little ones. Even if it only temporarily improves my mood, I suppose that's better than not at all. Plus I know it'll have a big impact on them that their Auntie Sid was there to go trick or treating with them.

4 Comments:

Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

I'm glad you're going to have some time with your nieces! :) Have fun!

1:04 AM, October 31, 2009  
Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

Boy can I relate to the money issues. The same thing happened to me when my son went off to university. The Canada Disability Pension was reduced and the money sent directly to my son. It's hard to survive.

5:00 AM, October 31, 2009  
Blogger tracy said...

Can definately relate to the money. Husband and i are in the midst of Ch. 13...i am horrified, both of us never igmagined it coming to this...yeah, my mental health, er illness needs this! Have fun with the nieces....wish i had someone to take trick or treating...

10:43 AM, October 31, 2009  
Blogger Handsome B. Wonderful said...

It's embarrassing and a slap in the face at how much social security pays in the first place. I only get $400 fucking dollars a month because I was deemed disabled at such a young working age. Once again it's my fault for being sick.

Money is one of my biggest stressors. It's what sent me to the hospital the first time. It's so not right that we have to go to the DHS and beg for bread crumbs. I feel for ya on going to these government offices. I freak out too. I feel like the cameras in there are for me or that I'll be taken into custody for some unknown reason.

I hope things improve for you. I wish I had something to say except I can relate somewhat. It pains me to see those who need help the most have the hardest time getting it. It pisses me off that some people shit gold like my brother and everything works out for them. Then others like me fall out of the opportunities tree and hit every branch on the way down to hitting the ground.

I'll be thinking about you and pulling for you. Somehow we all keep going.

4:25 PM, November 01, 2009  

Post a Comment

<< Home