Chugging along

Despite feeling as if the world is moving in slow motion, I still keep chugging along. Every task seems impossible, especially dragging myself out of bed, but when I'm finally successful (usually by 2 pm), I make sure the first thing I do is clean up in some way...be it wash my hair and brush my teeth or get in the shower, and then I get dressed. It doesn't seem worth the amount of energy I expend, but I somehow feel that if I can delude myself into thinking I'm doing something worthwhile for myself, maybe I'll eventually be deluded into thinking I'm going to survive the current storm.

The anxiety continues to fester and any little stressor sends me over the edge. I spend 50% of my waking hours crying over one thing or another. Luckily I can hide in my room without anyone asking "what's wrong", as if they really care to hear that I'm failing at life yet again.

Lack of money has been a huge problem as the days tick away, getting ever closer to my daughter's 18th birthday and graduation. Yesterday I learned that we will continue to receive the extra amount from Social Security we've been receiving for her until she graduates, however beginning in February, instead of depositing the money into my account, they will now give it directly to her. I don't understand their logic with that since the whole reason they even pay us that money is so that I can take care of her. The only thing paying her will do is complicate getting the bills paid since she doesn't have a checking account.

One of my biggest concerns beyond that is come June 1st, we lose a third of our income when Social Security stops paying the extra amount for her, but I certainly don't lose a third of my bills, so I haven't a clue how we're going to get by. My daughter will still be living with me full time until she heads off to college and even if she's lucky enough to find a summer job, it will only be part time and won't pay much. Guess it'll be back to food stamps, a thought I don't relish only because that means having to go to the local DHS office which always triggers a massive panic attack...even when I do take Valium.

Anyway, tomorrow is Halloween and I'm going to spend it with my daughter, her boyfriend, my sister and my nieces. I'm not particularly up for socializing, but some of the feedback I got from this post made me realize that spending time with my nieces is something that's very important to me and I know it's important to them as well. So I'm going to sleep in as I usually do, get up and get showered, then head over to my sister's for some quality time with her little ones. Even if it only temporarily improves my mood, I suppose that's better than not at all. Plus I know it'll have a big impact on them that their Auntie Sid was there to go trick or treating with them.