Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Welcome to my world

My will to live is tanking fast and I'm unsure what the hell to do. I don't want to go into the damn hospital yet again. Past experience has shown there's no point to that type of intervention. Even if I wanted to, that's not an option right now because there is no one, and I mean NO ONE, here to look after my daughter. I'm on my own for the next week and a half.

The visions playing out in my head are frightening and easily within my grasp, but there are those fucking obligations which prevent me from acting and making any of them a reality. No one to care for my daughter, a choir concert tomorrow, a college visit on Saturday, etc. I'm forced to hang on when all I want to do is give up.

I'm sure others would view that as a positive, ie: the obligations keep me from supposedly making the rash decision of ending my life. Given how many fucking years suicide has been on my mind, trust me, it no longer falls into the category of "rash" decisions.

Tried reaching out to a "friend" of mine earlier, to talk and let her know that I was struggling. This "friend" has reached out to me many times and I have always been there for her, yet she ignored me. As the Sick Puppies wrote....

Welcome to my world
Where everyone I ever need
Always ends up leaving me alone

Another lesson burned

And I'm drowning in the ashes



Welcome to my world

I don't know why I bother, I honestly don't.


Blogger Anonymous Drifter said...

I have one of those friends myself. Leaves me with such warm and fuzzy feelings about the world, NOT.

8:22 AM, November 12, 2009  
Anonymous Lili said...

My heart was broken a few times over this. Why do I stay alive? Because it annoys other people. Nope it's not nice but it's me. What is your reason? Find it. Good or bad.

11:44 AM, November 12, 2009  
Blogger tracy said...

So very sorry Sid. Life is fucking us lately it seems. i just got out of the Asylum where i spend 4 days after taking a bunch of pills and cutting my arm. i felt terrible because, like your daughter, there is NO ONE to look after my son's needs (being taken to and from school...even though he is 18), so he had to stay home, because my husband couldn't go get him. Then, i got a letter from my mom, reaffirmimg all the things i already believe about myself, including what a "Monster" i, or as she says "the other tracy", is...

i'm so sorry, to make this "all about me". Just know that the hospital did no good, as usual and like you, i know how it is to have no one to turn to.....
Please accept my love and hugs,

11:56 AM, November 14, 2009  
Blogger Handsome B. Wonderful said...

Feeling myself and seeing others suffer from mental illness confirmed to me that there is no "God." Otherwise "He's" a real a-hole thus I wouldn't want to hang with him anyway.

Sorry to go off but I'm so tired of good people like you and me and the rest of us having to struggle for each breath. If it weren't for our rag-tag online community of mental orphans I would probably talk to no one and have to suffer in silence.

Thanks for being there. I'm sorry you feel so bad and thank-you for all the kind and thoughtful comments you've left on my blog.

4:08 PM, November 14, 2009  

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