Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Obligations

Insanity is being so damn rigid in your thinking that obligations to others supercede your ability to kill yourself. I'm tethered to a life I can't stand to be living any longer by these damn obligations that my head has determined are more important than my own happiness, my own freedom from hell on earth. That's beyond fucking insane.

I straight up asked my therapist yesterday to please tell me I'm wasting her time so that I could give myself permission to quit. I'm so fucking sick of this sense of obligation that forces me to continue going week after week despite knowing that it isn't helpful and never will be. The obligation stems from everyone telling me I need to be in therapy. I need to do this for my daughter. Blah, Blah, Blah.

She wouldn't say it, even though we both know it's true. Aren't therapists supposed to be there to help? If this is what I would find helpful, why couldn't she just say four little words..."you're wasting my time". I wasn't looking for permission to give up on life entirely, I just desperately need to stop therapy and something in my brain will not allow me to do that unless someone else gives me the okay first. Instead she said that she wasn't going to give up on me. She wants me to keep showing up every week, whether or not I ever say another word to her.

Why can't I just say fuck it all, take control and just fucking quit on my own? Why do I need someone else's okay? When and how did this sick, twisted adherence to obligations even take hold? I suppose at one point it probably gave me a sense of control, now all it does is control me and drive me crazy.

Nothing feels worse to me than being betrayed by my own brain...nothing.

1 Comments:

Blogger Blessed said...

The brain in indeed a harsh,evil prankster. But your love for your child does and should keep you here. Because it's in that display of love that your brain understands why you need to stay.

I won't say life doesn't sometimes(mostly?) suck. It does. It really does.

But look back over your posts-you have endured.

IF your mind is taking you too far-get help-and immediately.

Hugs
Lili

10:37 AM, November 11, 2009  

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