Friday, January 15, 2010

Haven't slept

After a nearly two week hiatus, I think it's time to return to blogging....or maybe not. I don't know. Seems the only time I feel like writing is at 1 am when I should be in bed, but instead I'm mindlessly playing those annoyingly addictive games on Facebook (Farm Town, Petville, Restaurant City, Zoo, anyone?) because I know that any attempt at sleep will just result in hours of endless frustration.

Sleep deprivation has been an issue since the beginning of the year and continues to worsen. It has now progressed to the point where I actually miss the days when I was lucky enough to get three or four hours a night because I haven't slept at all the last four days...even with the Seroquel. I'm not even tired during the day. Beyond exhausted yes, especially mentally because my brain never shuts off, but not sleepy at all.

I told my pdoc about the problem on the 7th and his response was that he wanted to talk to my therapist. When I saw her on the 11th, they were still playing phone tag. Not sure what he wanted to discuss with her. I have my theories, and I'm fairly certain most are probably correct even if only partially, but I didn't directly ask him.

In addition to the lack o' sleep, constantly breaking into tears has also been a HUGE problem. The first did not beget the latter as one would assume, though it certainly is a contributing factor in making the waterworks a million times worse.

The driving force behind the tears is that feeling that my condition is terminal, that lack of hope. The knowing I won't be a part of my daughter's future. As such, just about everything triggers a meltdown into uncontrolled sobbing. When I started bawling a few nights ago while we were watching the PBS show about the
Young@Heart Chorus - it was after a couple of the members had died - the kiddie finally asked what was up. I told her it was too complicated to explain. What else could I say? "I'm crying cuz I'll be the one that's dead soon and you'll be left behind to grieve and somehow continue on?" (Way to go, I just started the tears flowing again by typing that.)

I did finally mention the terminal feeling to my pdoc, and while he gave me no response to that statement, I'm sure it is one of the reasons he wanted to talk to my therapist. I just hope they both understand the difference between being incredibly hopeless and being suicidal, because there is a huge distinction. Guess I'll find out Monday, if they aren't still playing phone tag.


Blogger She Who Is said...

Just know that we are right here with you for it all.

6:41 PM, January 15, 2010  

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