Monday, December 21, 2009

My soul aches

The weight of the hopelessness I'm lugging around is crushing and it is becoming increasingly harder to move in any direction. I desperately want to cry out in defeat, but I know the moment I do, the burden I carry and all the pain that comes along with it won't just disappear. Everything will get transferred onto my daughter's shoulders and it will then be her pain, her burden to bear.

At times I find myself getting angry for having had to endure the life I've been cursed with, but I know that's a waste of the precious little energy I have left. Getting angry won't change anything.

Other times I cry for having had the audacity at one point to want more from life, to think that I deserved more. Had I just accepted the fact that I wasn't meant to be alive when I knew full well that was my reality, I wouldn't have brought a child into the world who will now suffer the consequences of my selfishness in trying to believe I could be happy.

My soul aches to the core. I can't go on living, but I can't bear to destroy my daughter's life.


Anonymous Lili said...

Then somehow you must figure out a way to change your focus. Be it meds, therapy, whatever. You have got to find a way to win the battle with your brain. You can do it.

7:30 PM, December 21, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

FINALLY! Someone who I can relate to and understands!!!!

12:00 AM, December 23, 2009  
Blogger TexAss said...

You've been on my mind lately. Sorry I suck at sending emails...just wanted you to know I've been thinkin' about ya.

3:28 PM, December 29, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We haven't heard from you since before Christmas. Are you alright?
I know you probobly don't feel like writing. Just let us know your alright. We're all thinking about you. Hugs!

6:14 PM, January 03, 2010  

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