Parred down

When you get lost inside your own head, it's hard to tackle tasks outside yourself. The subsequent guilt that follows only adds to the misery and increases the withdrawal. There's so much I should be doing, but just forcing myself out of bed each day robs me of all energy that I haven't the strength to do anything else.

There's cleaning that needs to be done, bills that need to be paid, important phone calls that need to be made...yet I'm ignoring all of it, secretly hoping it will all just disappear. My days have been parred down to permit only a minimal level of functioning because I can't tolerate anything more. No enjoyment is derived from the things I once loved. Anything that requires concentration and comprehension, like reading other blogs, has pretty much been shelved.

I'm so looking forward to next week because there is no school, no therapy, no other commitments; and I can stay in bed even more than the 12 hours a day I currently am. My daughter had hoped I'd be in the hospital so she told all her teachers I wouldn't be there for any parent/teacher conferences, thus relieving me of what would have been a difficult and stressful commitment to keep. I'll still contact all her teachers to see how she's doing (even though I already know cuz she tells me), but it'll be via email so I don't actually need to verbally converse with anyone.

I've been invited to my sister's house for Thanksgiving, but I haven't yet decided if I'll go. Being friendly and interacting with others seems so far beyond my capabilities right now. My daughter has already made plans to spend the holiday with her boyfriend, which she's done the last several years, and I'm fine with that. At least when she's with his family, there are quite a few other people her age she can hang out with.

If I could just curl up and die right now, I'd be the happiest person on the planet. Unfortunately that's not an option and so staying in bed as much as possible will be my only salvation until I can give myself permission to call it quits.