Thursday, January 28, 2010

Dragging on

Is it just me or does January seem to be dragging on forever? Each day feels like it's 48 hours long instead of 24. Even when I keep myself busy, the seconds seem to tick away agonizingly slow. Maybe that's what is fueling the feeling of complete disconnect from the world around me. At times I have this overwhelming sense that everyone else has already moved on to February and I somehow got trapped a month behind. I'm not particularly eager to catch up, mainly because I must face more reminders that the kiddie will be leaving home later this year, but it'd be nice to not feel like I'm living in an alternate reality.

Other odd things have also been happening around here. I have a strange suspicion that I've been sleepwalking the last two nights. There's no definitive proof, it's just a bodily sensation I feel each morning. I can tell I spent the "night" (which lately means only about 4 hours of the night at most) in a half awake/half asleep state, which is the closest thing to sleep I seem to get anymore. Never seem to slip deep enough to lose consciousness of my surroundings. It's a bizarre feeling and I'm not quite sure how to describe it accurately.

My anxiety is still off the charts and it has led me to compulsively pick at my skin, particularly my face. I don't even realize I'm doing it at first, but when I do notice, I can't seem to get myself to stop. I'm almost tempted to start cutting again, something I haven't done in a long time, in hopes that it will stop the picking. I'm ugly enough as it is, I don't need to add to it by scarring up my face.

Spent yesterday sorting through old hospital papers so I'd have the dates of service I need to request my medical records. Since I know I'll be charged for the copies, but don't know how much, I've only requested the records from the first hospital I was ever at. Between the outpatient program and inpatient stay, I was there a total of 13 days. I'm curious to see if there will be some sort of explanation as to how I shifted so rapidly from high-functioning wife/mother/employee to non-functioning emotional wreck in less than a week.

Today I'd hoped to do some cleaning, but the motivation just isn't there. The lack of sleep has left my brain in a fog. I do have to go to the grocery store later, so I'll at least get something accomplished. Guess I'd better get moving and get in the shower.


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