Monday, February 15, 2010

The time has come

Not sure what's going on, but I have been extremely emotionally distraught today. A terrible sadness has permeated my entire being and I keep bursting into uncontrollable tears. At times it feels as if I'm mourning all the things I've already missed out on in life, plus all the things that have yet to come. Other times they are tears for my daughter, for the struggles she's already faced and the greatest one that is yet to come, surviving the death of her mother.

I told my therapist I would not be returning next week and I suspect that's the catalyst that set all the rest of this in motion. It allowed an entire lifetime of pain to bubbled to the surface, and I'm drowning in it. This is far too much emotion for me to deal with right now. I knew I wasn't ready to say no, I knew I didn't have the strength, but I also knew that no one was going to help me gain the strength, so I just had to say it and deal with the repercussions.

I know with all my heart that death is my only salvation, the only way to finally be at peace. No amount of therapy or medication is ever going to ease my hopelessness and give me a purpose to continue living. But I also realize just how high a price my daughter will pay for my actions. Think the time has come to sit down with her and explain that I'm terminally ill.


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