Life faded out
To say that I'm depressed today would be the understatement of the century. I'm so far beyond depressed that there hasn't been a word invented yet that comes close to describing it. It's catastrophic, it's suffocating and it is ever so slowly killing me.
Spent so much time in such pure emotional agony last night that my eyes were swollen shut this morning from all the tears I had shed. The swelling has decreased, but it is still painfully obvious that I'm not well, that something is horribly wrong. There is no hiding this time. There is no way to shrug people off by saying "oh, I'm fine", because the truth that I'm not is plastered all over my face.
I've been fortunate that the thoughts of suicide have only been fleeting and are quickly dismissed by the thought that now's not the time for that. I thought of cutting, but didn't act on it because it didn't seem as if that would relieve the agonizing pain spilling forth from so deep within my soul. Drinking and taking large quantities of Xanax or Vicodin crossed my mind as well, but those too didn't seem like they'd offer any relief.
So I sat here, with the pain and tears, and tried to tell myself that feeling all this wouldn't kill me. And truth be told, it won't, because I'm already dead. The last burning ember of life faded out a year ago. I just need to reach that imaginary point that only I can see, where I can finally give myself permission to take my last breath.
4 Comments:
You're having a really hard time now, but don't give in to your self-hate, Sid. You're still breathing, and there's a special place in the Cosmos that only you can fill.
Catastrophic is a good way to put it I think. I know that for me, depression has been catastrophic for my life. I feel the same way about feeling already dead. I heard Canada is looking to legalize euthanasia, which I think is great. When and if I get old and sick I don't want to languish for years in a hospital bed.
Sorry I'm not much help today :( I'm not doing too well lately either. I have no health care right now and our second car is in the shop. It's going to cost us $600. Anyway, I hope you keep writing at least. It seems writing helps a bit. I know it does for me.
I know saying sorry isn't going to do you any good....that it doesn't change reality and won't make you feel one bit better. But, I AM sorry that your life feels so empty and hopeless, and that you see no hope in the future.
All I can say is that I've enjoyed reading your blog....that you have helped me understand just how debilitating your illness is and how helpless one can feel. I feel your pain, and share in your joy. Whatever the future holds for you, I hope the arms of love and light find you and hold you tight....that is my wish for you.
I really hope that this has been a better week for you xx
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