Been busy

Not that it matters much, but I am still alive. Just haven't been around posting or reading blogs because I've been busy with other things. Most of my time has been spent online, searching for scholarships my daughter can apply for. It's extremely boring and very tedious work, but since she's been so busy with school and musical practice the last two months, I took on the task.

On top of the scholarship hunt, each week seems to bring a new and lengthy list of other projects that need to get done. Doctor appointments, dental appointments, cleaning, helping plan a surprise party for my sister, etc.

Everyone seems to think it's good that I'm actively involved in life, as if keeping busy is all I need to make all my troubles go away. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way for me. It does keep my mind occupied so that I can't dwell on the suicidal feelings and hopelessness. But more involvement brings on more stress and more anxiety. It wears on my psyche and I can feel that I'm speeding towards an unstoppable, inevitable crash.

Even as I'm waving the red warning flags, letting everyone know that I can't possibly sustain this level of activity for too much longer, they all continue to turn to me for help with this, that and the other. "You're doing fine," they say. My therapist has even suggested I consider talking to an employment specialist about returning to work. Apparently they are so swayed by the facade I put forth that everything is fine that they aren't able to comprehend that I'm verbally telling them I'm really not okay. They can't reconcile those two conflicting statements and therefore go by what they see instead of what they hear. Yet if I remove the mask and show them my depression, I know I'll be greeted with a whole lot of "oh fuck, here we go again, I'm so fucking sick of Sid and her depression" attitude.

I can't win. No matter what I do, I just can't win.