Thursday, April 08, 2010

Remotely connected

Concentration, or lack thereof, has been a huge struggle the last couple of weeks, which is why I've kinda sorta stayed away from blogging. I was around on Sunday trying to see how everyone else has been fairing, but I was only able to get through the first sentence or two of each blog before I'd become too distracted and move on to the next. An attempt at posting myself ended abruptly after I'd found myself staring at the monitor for an hour with only a handful of words typed up on the screen.

Considering I've been off the Buspar for weeks and I'll be completely weaned off the MAOI as of Saturday, I'm holding together better than I expected...which in Sid speak, given where I already was mentally, means I haven't slipped into a total catatonic stupor. My grasp on reality is quite shaky though and as each day passes I find myself losing comprehension of time more and more. It's hard to distinguish a day from a week, an hour from a minute. Did I do or say that just a second ago, yesterday, last week or maybe even last year? Was that moment in time real or was I so caught up in my head that in my imagination was the only place it all played out?

The only thing that keeps me even remotely connected is my daughter and trying to keep to her schedule of school, doctor appointments and physical therapy. I'm sure she's getting frustrated with my constant questions of what day is it, what's going on tomorrow, when's this library book due or when does that scholarship need to be mailed by, but without her reassurances that I'm on task, the panic that I've missed something of life, death or financial importance becomes unbearable.

One would think that my meticulously kept, color-coded calendar would keep me on track, but every time I look at it my anxiety shoots off the chart because I can never remember what day or week it is, sometimes I even question what month it is, even if someone just told me 5 seconds ago. The panic is instantaneous and is usually accompanied by the thought, "Oh crap, did I miss that appointment? What day is it?" Even after being reassured I haven't missed anything, I still can't seem to let go of the thought that something has been missed and I continually keep checking to make sure I'm on the right day.

Sleep seems to be following an annoying schedule of 4 days insomnia followed by 2 days of sleeping 14-16 hours. On those 4 days when my mind absolutely refuses to shut down, not even Seroquel can knock it out, I'm just up. Wide awake. Bedtime routines, no caffeine, relaxation, reading, exercise, etc...I've tried them all since January with no success. I'm still trying these things even though they haven't worked. Eventually something has to, right?

Therapy has been difficult because it feels as if my appointments are once a month, not once a week. She'll tell me we talked about this or that last week and I have no memory of it. I'm trying to think back to Monday, trying to remember if I was even there just a few days ago and I'm drawing a blank. I'm so blank that I would say I forgot to go this week, but I'm sure if I ask next week she'll tell me I was there.

But despite all the memory issues, the lack of sleep and being on the border of losing all touch with reality, there are moments in the day I do remember. Moments where I've cried, moments where I've laughed and moments where I just was, without judgment.


Blogger Wandering Coyote said...

Jeez, this sounds like such a huge improvement to me! I am not kidding. This post is so much different from your previous ones, to my reading. I'm glad, Sid. Keep on trucking.

12:19 AM, April 09, 2010  

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