Thursday, September 30, 2010

It all just is

It's after 4 am, and I'm awake. Not tired enough to bother trying to sleep, but also not so wide awake I couldn't sleep. In all honesty, I just haven't given much thought to the idea of slumber and my body doesn't seem to care.

That's the way my entire life is these days. I don't care one way or another...about anything. It's as if all the opposites have collided at once, making everything null and void. I'm not calm or anxious. Not depressed or manic, restless or content. I'm neither tired nor energized. I'm not hungry nor satiated. I'm not alive or dead. I get no joy from anything, yet I derive nothing negative from any of it either. It all just is.

And yet, even though I can't feel it, I can sense this is a horrible place. Probably worse than being suicidal, because the outcome is so unpredictable. There are no warning signs that danger might lurk just around the corner.

When I'm actively suicidal, I'm never impulsive about it. I may only be suicidal for a few hours before I try to kill myself, but there's still some organization around it, a finalizing of plans that always needs to be done before I act. And within that time, when I'm tying up lose ends, there's a chance I may stop myself or inadvertently clue someone else in as to what's about to happen and have them stop me.

With this, I could easily decide in 5 minutes that slitting my wrists would be an okay activity and just do it. Do I have a desire to do that or think I will? No. But I also don't know for sure that I won't. It really doesn't matter. Nothing does.


Blogger Verity Vaudeville said...

It sounds like you're under some sort of shroud, where there's no real contrast to anything. Nothing moving you closer to, or further from anything. There's got to be some way to break out of it, as like this you're not really alive are you?

I get this all the damn time. That's why somehow I always make myself feel, even if it's of detriment to myself.

4:43 AM, September 30, 2010  
Blogger Handsome B. Wonderful said...

It's the damn meds. They sorta help and keep us out of trouble but they leave us drooling, neutral-feeling, blobs of gray. I don't know, which is worse. I'm in a "I don't give a shit" mood as well.

Our doctors act like it's no hardship because, "Hey!! At least you're still alive." They have no appreciation for quality of life.

12:52 PM, September 30, 2010  
Blogger My Black Fog said...

I couldn't have said it better myself. I am in the exact same spot as you are. I just couldn't care less one way or the other what happens or goes on around me.The house could catch fire and I would probobly just sit on the couch watching it cuz I just don't feel enough to care.
(( Hugs ))

3:02 PM, October 02, 2010  
Blogger Michael said...

Wow. I understand. It's like everything is black and white-variations of the same dumb grayness. Just nothing-punch me, kick me, yell at me-all you'll get is a big, fat, whatever.

I've been having a recurring thought lately-I work in an industry where robbery is a distinct possibility. I keep picturing a gun being pointed at me, and calmly responding to the thief, "You think I care? If you shot me, you'd be doing me a favor. Just don't f^&king miss."

Good luck and best wishes.

12:03 PM, October 03, 2010  

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