Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Battling again

It certainly doesn't seem like it's been as long as it has since I last posted (not including the short blip I wrote the other day). I've logged on a few times with the intention of writing, but I guess I got sidetracked reading everyone else's blogs, or at least attempting to read them.

"A struggle" would be an apt description of what the last three weeks have been like. While I managed to survive taking my daughter to college last month, the same can't be said of returning her there after she came home for the long Labor Day weekend. Unlike the first time around where I could at least be comforted by the knowledge that she'd be home again in two weeks, it was harder to return her to school not knowing when I'd see her again. It could have been a month, or possibly two, there was no way to know for sure. As it turns out, she's been home every weekend since due to a medical emergency in her boyfriend's family.

The sense of disconnect continues to grow, though it's not just limited to other people. There is also an ever expanding inner rift. The warring factions within me that had seemingly called a
truce for quite some time have begun battling again. Could be attributed to my daughter going off to college, or it could simply be that it's just that time of year. I'm more inclined to go with the latter.

The million dollar question though is...why? Why does this happen every year? Why does it always get worse in September and not in say, April or June instead? Why has it only been happening since 2003?

Out of frustration, I told my therapist that I will not be seeing her next week. I've given little thought beyond that. Seems pointless to continue going because therapy is for those that hope for and want a better life. I don't want life, period; and I can't get anyone to understand that it's not a distortion of reality caused by depression or any other mental illness. Doesn't matter how good I feel or how happy I am, I don't want to exist. Life just isn't for me.


Blogger Chronic Impending Disaster said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down. September and May are always the hardest times for me. I think it's the changing seasons. Getting used to the weather patterns and all that gets screwed up at those times of year.

I hope that something helpful comes out of your appointment with your thearpist.

I kinda feel like I should say something like "Hang in there" but that's so trite and cliche I'll just say that I understand that life can suck ass.

4:48 PM, September 21, 2010  

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