Saturday, August 21, 2010

Waiting for the world to end

Finally got a new computer. Spent about $100 more than I had originally planned to, but that's because I decided I should also get a new monitor. I had a bit of buyer's remorse once I got home, but since it wasn't an impulse buy, it was something I'd researched and saved up for, and I desperately needed to replace the 7 yr old obsolete dinosaur I was using, I persuaded myself to set it all up instead of returning it to the store.

Let me just say, moving from a computer with 512 MB of RAM to one with 6 GB has been more orgasmic than most of my sexual encounters. The speed with which everything opens is truly astonishing, especially after using a computer that literally took about 10 minutes to boot up and another 10 to connect to the internet. And that was with the absolute bare minimum of programs running at start-up.

Whether or not I'll be around more now that I have the new computer, well, we'll have to wait and see. Right now I'm in limbo, waiting for the world to end or begin or who knows what. It feels like there's a ticking time bomb strapped to my chest. The bomb itself doesn't scare me. It's the not knowing if or when it will explode or if it will simply turn out to be a dud that is most distressing.

My daughter is away at college now. Moved her in a couple of days ago and came home late last night. Not really sure how to describe what I'm feeling because I've refused to feel anything. Any time the tears were poised to start flowing, I quickly stifled them. Even when I didn't want to let go of my baby as we hugged for the last time, I didn't allow myself to cry. As much as I wanted and needed to, I just couldn't. I was too afraid that if I started crying I never would have been able to make myself leave her behind. And from the look on her face, she would have been all too happy to have me stay, or to leave with me.

I can physically feel the pressure of all the emotions I've suppressed since May crushing me internally and I'm not sure what to do. Now that I'm alone I desperately want to cry, but can't. I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I forced myself to eat earlier but I could easily have eaten paper and not known the difference it was that tasteless to me. And yet I don't feel depressed. If I had to wager a guess, I'd say I actually feel more manic than anything because I can't sit still.

Today I tried to keep myself somewhat busy. Had to return the van I rented and the dolly I borrowed. Returned a lamp the kiddie didn't need and then shopped for some bras. Visited with my sister for a couple of hours. Balanced my checkbook. Figured the distractions would be good, but nothing quelled the overwhelming sense of loss that is hovering over me like a dark cloud.

If I were to be granted one wish at this very moment, it'd be for that emotional hurricane I know is bearing down on me to just hit now so it could be over and done with already. The agony of waiting for its arrival is sheer torture.


Blogger Chronic Impending Disaster said...

I'm glad you got a new computer and posted again in the blogosphere.

Sorry ot hear about the difficulty of your daughter going, but you probably know it's for the best in the long run. The grief will come, as long as you don't avoid it forever. I think a little self-pity in a situation like this is merited.

11:20 AM, August 22, 2010  

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